Monday, August 29, 2011

Alaska Travel Poem




When you are traveling, what it is
to delight in the little things,
the sight of a familiar blue mail box
to send your postcards out,
the fireweed flower covered in dew,
the lost match to your smartsocks,
attached by static to your t-shirt,
the moose in the heart of the median
paying no attention to you,
the unknown couchsurfer saying kindly
to make yourself at home,
the gift to be awake, to roam freely,
to stand at Denali, the "Great One"
realizing the transience of Autumn land,
the rolling reds, greens and golds,
the unfolding grey to sun skies,
and all of it encompassed in your eyes.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Alaska - Aug. 14-23










Day 0:
Sitting in a park in Denver. I’ve migrated here from the airport during a time lapse before Alaska. It is hot and humid feeling. I couldn’t resist gelato. I took a nap in the park because I was so tired. My clothes still smell like New Mexico rain from hanging on the line my last night at Stillpoint with the other interns.

I notice a difference in myself after this internship. Most notably, I am grounded and I am more consistently conscious of the personal and often humorous connection I have with God. Again, my desire is to experience life with joy, gratitude, energy and freshness. My passion is mixing elements up in delicious, unexpected interactions – whether with words, images, clothing and jewelry, or groups of people. My calling is to create beauty in this world.

“From these texts we see that in meditation we should not look for a “method” or “system” but cultivate an “attitude” an “outlook” : faith, openness, attention, reverence, expectation, supplication, trust, joy.” (Thomas Merton: Contemplative Prayer, pg 34).

I said goodbye to Stillpoint this morning and the interns. Very sad. Theresa drove me to the ABQ airport where I caught a $56 flight to Denver with Southwest Airlines. My flight leaves for Alaska at 10pm.

Day 1:
Looking back on day 9 at my time in Alaska, the time was well spent and flew by. My flight arrived at 1:30a.m. in Anchorage. For the first 6 days, I stayed at Erin’s brother David’s house with Erin and Morgan. Erin is from Alaska, but I met her in Santa Fe through a Craigslist roommate search 2 years ago. Morgan is from Minnesota, but lives in Missoula, Montana now and I met her in Santa Fe 2 years ago through another friend who has since moved away.

Not much happened the first day in Alaska except a trip to REI where I met a cashier from Taos, NM. And dinner at a Korean restaurant with Erin and Morgan, Erin’s twin brothers, Doug and David, David’s wife Heidi, and their friend Dayyon. Doug treated us all to dinner. I went for a long walk in the morning around their neighborhood and along a bog trail by myself, which gave me the contemplative time I needed.

Day 2:
We began the day at the locally owned Kaladi Bros. Coffee for breakfast. Doug, David, Dayyon, Morgan, Erin and I drove to Hatcher’s pass and an abandoned gold mining town. The land here is incredible. It reminds me of the South Island of New Zealand. We lucked out with a sunny day. We went climbing up a mountain past glacier-blue lakes. We drove back the Willow, Alaska route, the small Parish town where Erin grew up in. This road also took us past Wasilla, where Sarah Palin was Mayor. Wasilla could be a beautiful lake-side mountain town, but instead it is a strip-mall filled sprawl, which Erin calls the armpit of Alaska. When we arrived back in Anchorage, David made us all delicious cheeseburgers on the grill.

Day 3:
We drove to Whittier. On the way, we stopped at the gorgeous resort town of Girdwood. We spent some time admiring the elegant artwork and details of the Seven Glaciers Hotel. We stopped at the Bake Shop for lunch and we all ordered the soup of the day: African Nut. I took a photo of the ingredients so I can make my own version later. The entrance to the Bake Shop is covered with colorful potted and hanging flowers of all kinds, jeweled with raindrops and framing the glacier-filled mountains rising behind.

To get to Whittier we drove through possibly the world’s longest mountain tunnel to emerge in a depressing, grey town docked with gigantic cruise ships. 2 residential, communist-style buildings stood in town. One was grey, haunted-looking and abandoned. The other was tan, haunted-looking, and lived in. We were told some people have not come out of this building in years. What kind of life are they living?

We were on a time frame to get back to Anchorage for dinner at Heidi’s mom Penny’s house. We were in for a treat! Erin calls Penny the best cook in Alaska and I can see why. Penny started us with smoked Alaskan salmon, capers, green grapes, cucumbers soaked in vinegar (not quite pickles) and bread dipped in garlic olive oil. And all sorts of drinks. Morgan and I shared the best blueberry beer and all the girls also had highly drinkable moscato desert wine. Next came fried clams! Delicious! Then the main course of Alaska king crab, sweet corn on the cob, marinated and grilled mushrooms, peppers, broccoli and cubed rosemary tenderized beef. Penny is also one of the most entertaining and funny hosts. We were all so happy, well-fed and content at her house and the dinner was a highlight of the trip.

Day 4:
The girls get the beamer! David was kind enough to lend his to us for our drive to Seward. The drive was stunning, following the ocean most of the way. Around the first curve of the bay we stopped to take in a pod of beluga whales breaking the waves close to shore!

In Seward, the rain drizzled and the sky remained grey, but the town was still pretty, quaint and artsy. I did my morning sit (meditation) in the car while Erin and Morgan toured the Sealife Center. I decided I did not need to spend money on a Sealife Center when I recently saw an incredible one in Taiwan that will probably satisfy me until/unless I have children! We split amazing, fresh halibut for lunch. I would love to return to Seward sometime in the sun! On the way back, we stopped for Morgan and I to hike in to Exit Glacier and back. My only other time touching a glacier was in New Zealand. The walk in was great and I saw a little red-backed vole scurrying around. He was too fast for the camera. Could have stayed here a lot longer, but we were on a time constraint of sorts. When we got to Anchorage, Dayyon was just pulling delicious home-made pizza out of the oven; he is a great cook!

Day 5:
Erin, Morgan and I took the old spare car to Birchwood, only 15 minutes from Anchorage, where Erin’s childhood Methodist church camp is located. Her two friends, Steven and Marie, run it. Marie grew up in Glorieta, NM and Steven is from Georgia; Erin helped get them their Methodist camp job in Alaska about the same time they helped her get the Methodist church job that brought her to Santa Fe! Morgan and I canoed on the lake while Erin caught up with her friends. We saw Pacific loons and a lake meadow of lily pads. Pacific loons sound and look different than the common loon I grew up seeing in Maine. They are grey and have more of a call than a haunting cry.

After Birchwood, we went shopping and wandering about downtown Anchorage. First things first, we ordered reindeer dogs from the best street vendor on 4th st. near the Federal Building. We went to Octopus Ink, which has some of the neatest printed organic apparel. I could not pass up a skirt (which doubles as a dress) with 2 Native-design-inspired puffins silk-screened on the bottom. We also found a store which sells the growing “ak starfish” label. Too bad they print on American Apparel gear. They did however have very beautiful designs and some of the most comfortable yoga pants (with all the yoga I do, I’ve never bought any real yoga pants) so I bought some and a hooded long-sleeve tee with a  pink raven on it.

Friday night happened to be girls night! Heidi, Morgan, Erin and I made our way to Crush – superbly recommended by Heidi who knew the great waiter at our table. We each ordered a “flight” 3 samples of wine. We each got a different flight: I ordered the most Malbec-like one; Morgan got a dryer red; Erin the Riesling and Heidi the Rose. This was the only splurge meal for me and I got truffled white bean dip followed by the best spinach, sun-dried tomato polenta followed by shared rum-raisin bread pudding. Actually it was all pretty reasonable and so worth it for the fun, laughter-filled, light-hearted silliness that followed us to bed.

Day 6:
What brought me joy this morning? Going for a walk by myself before everyone else was up despite the rain, eating Alaskan raspberries on the trail, coming across a bunny farm – looked like there were chickens running around the yard until I got closer and realized they were rabbits, remembering Stillpoint and coming back into presence multiple times during the walk when my thoughts strayed. We slept in! So did the boys who recovering from a Bachelor party (the wedding was coming up Sunday). Heidi, Morgan and I went to the weekend downtown market. The market was fantastically filled with all sorts of culturally diverse food stalls including Korean, Russian, Polish, Japanese, Italian, etc. I met a very nice young artist who paints funky designs on wooden panel necklaces. Seeing all the entrepreneurial artists in Anchorage has me tossing around my own future endeavor. Its wonderful how well printed apparel and recycled/found object art sells.

We stopped in Snow City Café for lunch – Heidi’s suggestion, but I was not hungry and only ordered a salad. Snow City is a cool and hopping café. The wait would have been an hour if Heidi hadn’t called in our reservation. According to Erin, many businesses in Anchorage that were small beginnings when she was little have greatly expanded by 2011.

Heidi and Erin dropped Morgan and I off at the airport to pick up our rental car, a very cute silver Nissan Versa and the two of us were off two Denali. On the way we took a short detour to Talkeetna, a pretty arsty town. So much good food! What to choose? We opted for the Heidi-recommended West Rib pub, home of the famous 4 lb. burger eating challenge of which we did not partake. We both ordered a cup of seafood chowder. Morgan got ceviche and I got a schooner (half a pint-size) of Alaskan Nut Brown, very very good!

We camped in Denali State Park at Byer’s Lake Campground, $5/night each. After setting up the tent, I took a nice solo walk around the lake and meditated on a tree stump. Funnily enough I heard someone singing and there was Morgan coming in the opp. Direction. She didn’t see me so I gave her a fright by accident! A beaver slapped its tail at me, ptarmigans froze silently thinking I couldn’t see them, a grieb propelled itself across the water, and a squirrel carried a mushroom like a bone in its mouth. A hairless patch of skin adorned its back, perhaps caught by a close-encounter with a carnivore. It felt so good to be out in the wilderness! We had a nice picnic dinner in the tent before sleeping.

Day 7:
Morgan and I stretched the wet tent out in the backseat to let it dry. Then we continued into Denali National Park stopping at the Visitor Center to recharge our electronics. Morgan found a great 10-mile hike with a view – Mt. Healy Look-out. Happily the sun came out more and more throughout the day, making it my 2nd sunny day in Alaska. We ended up splitting off for the hike to go at our own paces. I needed the quiet time and it was great! The colors were changing all over – reds, oranges and golds. Meditating on a rock off the beaten path, I was still interrupted by several chatty travelers. I do miss the quiet chapel at Stillpoint and sitting with a group of like-minded people, but I know this will come back into my life sometime soon when I’m settled again. Its funny how I don’t really feel the need to be traveling right now. I’ve never had that feeling before!

Morgan and I met up back at the car for our 15 mile drive into Denali – as far as personal cars are allowed to go (without a limited lottery ticket); the other option to go further is an expensive guided bus tour. This is a great strategy for preserving the wilderness and our 15 mile trip deeper was all we needed. For 15 minutes we got to watch a 3-legged grizzly bear eating blueberries, drinking from a stream, scratching its back and seemingly posing for the cameras.

As we drove further, just as Morgan finished uttering the sentence, “Now all I really want to see is a sheep and a moose!” I saw a moose on the side of the road and yelled my discovery to Morgan who saw it too just before it disappeared. That was so funny! Then, about 5 minutes later on our return drive, we came across a gigantic bull moose out in the tundra. We stopped to watch him eat for 10 minutes. We were so excited to be presented with such a finale to our Denali experience!

The drive back was filled with sunlight through clouds and lots of drunk black spruce tree and red tundra photos. The land in Denali (Denali means “Great One”) feels very sacred. I was more aware of my connection to source here. From that solo hike onwards, my mind and outlook shifted and emptied and I didn’t think about anything on the ride back, just tuning out the static radio, my congested sinuses, the engine, the anciness of sitting in the car. Let things take care of themselves. Do not be stressed by the little things – those are the most dangerous, stress-inducing things to worry about Morgan told me – things like paying your bills or arriving to dinner on time or whether the couchsurfer you are staying with would still let you in over an hour past your expected time.

Our couchsurfer Edra had lost her phone over the weekend so we had no way of reaching her except via email. When I found her address, no one answered the door. I saw no lights on, so I left a note saying we’d gone to find internet access to see if she’d written us anything and we’d be back to check in an hour. It was 9:30 p.m. I knew it would be alright though; Morgan and I could car camp if it came to that. Luckily, Edra lived right downtown around 12th Ave. and F street, but all the coffee shops and malls were closed on Sunday night. Then we found a bar named Bernie’s with free wireless. I logged in and saw that Edra had found the note and written that we were at the right location, but that her door was in the back of the house! So, we went back and she let us in. We talked for a little bit and then went to bed, Morgan and I in our own room sharing an air mattress! It was quite possibly the quietest central city location I have ever stayed in.

Day 8:
Morgan left before I even got up to fly out and return the car. I slept in, caught up on journaling, emails, postcards, future travel arrangements, job searching. I have a few interviews lined up for when I return to Santa Fe, so I am sure something will work out. It is both scary and exciting to be traveling without a job, to be trusting all will be well, challenging and rewarding to find myself staying in the moment. The Italian traveler who started talking to me during my mountain meditation in Denali said that you have to enjoy every good travel moment when it is happening. He has to head back to a job it doesn’t sound like he enjoys and he has had 13 days of being in the moment in Alaska.

Edra woke up not feeling well and she slept most of the day, so I did not get to know her very well. I walked around her very pretty neighborhood and then along an Oceanside pathway for 2 hours, then around downtown getting some more gifts for people. Everyone seems so friendly and cheerful in Anchorage. I walked back to the apt, which Edra left unlocked for me. I took a wonderful nap in the rain – something I miss doing back in sunny New Mexico. Then I took another small walk around the neighborhood to mail my postcards before going back to my now private room to meditate. I felt some nostalgia, missing the other interns and the spiritual conversations to come home to, which happened every day during the summer. I read some of Thomas Merton’s “Contemplative Prayer” book and wrote to all the other interns, right after Michael wrote to us. So more than one of us was thinking/missing the others at the same time! I miss them all so much!

Day 9:
I woke up early and took a short walk in the rain. I wrote a thank you note to Edra and left her an assortment pack of Numi teas fittinely titled, “Endless Journies” Then I walked seven minutes to the People Mover bus station to catch the #7 to the airport. I only had a $5 bill and the fare was $1.75. The driver kindly pulled out his walled and gave me change!

In half an hour I was at the airport. I bought a few more postcards there and sat writing them. The store owner said she would mail them for me since otherwise I would have to go through security again to mail them from the airport post office. Have I mentioned people are nice in Alaska? My flight Vancouver via Seattle is on time. I wouldn’t be on it without the free flight I got to Alaska by signing up for the Alaskan Airlines credit card. It has been a beautiful journey around some of this vast, 1959-founded state. Next time I come, I think I’d like to take a road trip through the Yukon in the NW territories of Canada, see Nahanni Nat. Park, and go to south Eastern Alaska, the small islands off the coast and Juneau. I could happily go back to Santa Fe now. I don’t need to do any more traveling right now, but my flights are booked and have since gone way up to change them. So off I go to Vancouver, Seattle, Bellingham and Portland. I’ll just try to keep the rest of my trip as simple and contemplative and nature-oriented as possible. I booked all this before my spiritual internship this summer, before my time in Guatemala, before my Europe trip when I was, I think, a person with a different outlook. I am looking forward to a settled time in Santa Fe this fall. Nonetheless, I am grateful for this time to travel and curious to see what will unfold in it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Communion with a Spider














Hello, scary, quick spider
suspended on your web
above the running water
laying lines of entrapment.
Your spun creation is beautiful,
strung with prism bead droplets.
I watch you catch a little creature,
and wrap it up with spindly legs.
You have a magical, transient space
to live and work,
and you are.

Smooth, alive cracking water,
moths and dragonflies
of irredescent blue and creamy white
pass by your table.
When I met you,
you were hungry.
In this moment,
you are satisfied.
You do not wonder
who you are.

I am, every moment,
the potential for being
all that I am.
I am a creator also,
and it is my work to spin
such a shimmery connection,
to be hungry,
to be satisfied,
to build the web back up
when wind and water
sweep it away.

My job is to be the
weaver of the net,
the connector of the dots,
not the one caught,
but the one waiting,
listening, with stillness,
in the center.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bill Plotkin/Richard Rohr talk on "Nature and the Human Soul"








I attended this webcast in person in Albuquerque. 11 countries and many states were also watching. This has probably been my favorite talk of the whole internship. The nature and pycho-spiritual direction fascinates me and resonates. Nature has always been one of my deepest teachers, as it is to many.

Here are my notes from the talk:

Bill Plotkin speaking first:
There are nine initiations in life. The first is birth and the last is death.

Healthy cultures provide iniatory processes and rights of passage.

What is a true adult? A person who experiences him/herself as a member of the earth community, of the more than human world, who has gotten to the point in their life where they experience themselves as this member in almost every moment of every day. A true adult is also someone who has had a revelation of their unique place, through a mystical experience, in more than the human world. The third part of being a true adult means acting on that unique place and carrying that gift they are born with to the community.

How do we get there?

- we need a healthy culture. Just as a young elk need a healthy elk culture to succeed and become an adult elk. The need for culture is true of all mammals and birds to become healthy adults. For the other 98% of life on earth, a culture is not necessary. A caterpillar will become a beautiful butterfly without needing to learn how from a butterfly culture. We on the other hand need a culture to weave a phycho-spiritual cocoon for us to emerge from as an adult.

Only 10% of humans in contemporary western culture actually reach true adulthood. And those who do reach it are often in some sub or counter culture.

How do we weave a cocoon? (that works for contemporary western culture)

The way is embedded in our psyches. Healthy, evolved elders are needed to help children/youth grow into healthy adults.

It is about applying yourself to the stages of life between the rights of passage. Rights of passage 1) celebrates what is happening 2) lets the rest of the community know what is happening and that they will be called upon to support the young person who has had to let a part of him/herself die to pass to the next stage. 3) orients the iniator into what this new stage of their life will be like.

The rights of passage itself does not create change, it celebrates the change that has already happened.

Initiation 1) ends with a passage or transition 2) must go through some process before your being shifts 3) process is several months at the least and usually several years (the diagram of it looks like a ball of yarn not a straight line)

The initiation of the iniatory process is called inception. Types of initiation can be social changes such as going from single to married or the types can be psycho-spiritual changes such as child to adolescent through puberty because their entire world changes consciousness and their way of being in the world has shifted.

No process, no passage.

Most people only go through 4 of the 9 passages in life (including birth and death). Only birth is an age-dependent passage.

1) Birth is the first passage of course.

2) Naming. Naming is when a child can say "I". Autobiographical memory shows up. Naming is a change in consciousness. Its a crisis and a change in what the world is. It is not easy for the child and it is not easy for the parents. Every single transition is a crisis because we are dying to who and what we were.

3) Puberty. This is often the last passage that many people in our society go through before death.

We are going to go through these first three passages even with culture failing us. The next stages take culture to help. There are two developmental tasks of each stage. One is culturally-based and the other is nature-based.

4) Confirmation. In adolescence, a person must develop a persona that is both authentic and socially acceptable. Confirmation means you have consciously created a way of being socially present that works. So much of our society is about creating an image that is socially acceptable, but not authentic!

5) Soul Initiation. Where the individual is helped to die to everything that they thought they were meant to be. They find out their place in the ecology of the world they are meant to take, that we are born to take a particular place in ecology that is not culturally or job defined. You don't find out you are a phychologist or a teacher for instance [or a designer]. These are only the delivery systems for the mystery. We need to find the mystery. Its like the poem we were born to be, to live in the world, the conversation with the world.

This marks the shift into the second half of life. The second half of life is being the gift, to contributing to the evolution of the world. If we don't become true adults, there is no give-away and no give back. [that is why our world is in such a dire state]

After soul-initiation is a stage of developing the delivery system for your gift back, to learn how to give of yourself to the world.

6) Induction. The crisis in this initiation is about having to betray some of the most important people in your life. You realize you can't depend on your teachers anymore. You are being called to bring something into the world that does not yet exist. You will feel like you are on your own as you have never been before. You are creating a never before seen delivery system.

In a healthy culture, the elder is the most evolved status. In our contemporary western society, older people are the lowest in social status, and age no longer indicates their adulthood.

7) Croning. Soulwork moves through you, but now, your focus has to be on holding the soul of the world community. So that it sustains the community and helps it to evolve. Its again a crisis of consciousness.

8) Surrender. The crisis is now you have to give up any desire and ambition to do anything. You are a sage. Consciousness begins to be absorbed by you as you embrace universality and you do all kinds of things just by your presence here. Thomas Berry is a stage 8 elder.

9) Death.

Richard Rohr Talking:
Words and books can keep you from the authenticity and deepening of experience. Original participation in nature, from watching and being. From knowing you belong. From experiencing the natural cycles of dark and light, growth and death. Birth and death are the natural spiritual teachers of society. If you've never been present at birth or death you are missing integral experience.

How does transformation happen?

Pre-axial conscousness - pre 800 b.c. Seeing God in everything, seeing anima (soul) in everything. Pagan literally means those that lived in the country. Nature is not an object for consumption. Once you grant subjectivity to the natural world, it changes everything. Nature as subject existed in the Pagan world.

What is axial consciousness? Between 800 b.c. - 200 b.c. The zietgeist in the world at the time was starting abstract, conceptual thinking. Axial consciousness gave the world self-critical thinking, rational thinking, which led to industrialization and also to the birth of self-consciousness. So called civilization became about urbanality.You have to know yourself in order to die to yourself. You have to have created your boundaries to let go of your boundaries. And this is what is necessary to move to the second half of life. When you don't have the mystical levels of religion, you will always define things in moralistic levels such as saying for instance that you are better than them because you are heterosexual and you have not had an abortion. You can't see what you aren't told to look for. When all you have is words and not experiences, all you can do is argue about the words. Salvation itself started to become how "I" get to heaven. This way of thinking reflects individualism outside of the collective we are all part of. If you don't know how to live in crisis, darkness, ambiguity, the unknown, which many of us do not know how to do, we stay in a patho-adolescent culture.

The 2nd axial age: happening as recently as the 1960s. Until then, all was diverging, moving apart for 2000 years. Through globalization, convergence started happening. What is grounding all of us is that we are all standing on the same ground, breathing the same air, that is our connection. Thomas Merton in the 60's asking contemplative questions of creation. The rainbow is the covenant and reminder to God that he is in a love relationship with all that she has created. God creates things that continue to create themselves toward the divine image. This materialization began 14.5 billion years ago! Matter and spirit are friends, two sides of the same coin.

Question and Answer:

Q) Am I in the mystery? How do I get to the winter of life dying as I am at age 60 when I'm not there chronologically?
A) you are there just by the nature of your question. You are in the river already. Don't push the river. Its never too late to delve deeper into the mystery. We are never done learning.

Q) What do you mean by matter and spirit coming together? What is an example?
A) Matter and spirit have never been separate; that is the lie. you can't put together what is already together. Everything is an example. All is the convergence of matter and spirit!

Q) Are there any cultures we can learn from that are maturing their elders?
A) The answer is Yes. The cultures most intact are the ones most remote from the dominate western society. Martin Partel grew up in reservation and Guatemala with Mayans. If we know about the cultures well, changes are our western society has already undermined there integrity. We need to honor, learn from and respect what largely does not exist anymore, not necessarily go back to that way of living, but synthesize that way with western culture. We can't be indigenous people anymore so there is no point in romanticizing it. Don't want to settle for nature romanticism, but to transcend and include.

Q) What books can you recommend that will "gently" explain this to people?
A) Luve - "Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder
Also, books on the universe story as told by contemporary science with the sacred theme.
Books by Brian Swim and Thomas Berry: The Universe Story; The Hidden Heart of the Cosmos; and The Journey of the Universe
The first part of Bill Plotkin's book "Soul Centering through Nature"
Read "Soul Encounters" by Johanna Massey

Q) Give/describe an example of the identity of someone who has found their mytho-poetic identity.
A) Bill Plotkin: It is a series of phases where mystery is always unfolding. Bill's experience doing a 4-day wilderness fast in which a butterfly flew past and he heard his name/title/calling: cocoon weaver

[I think mine has to do with that dream I recently had, about Grace, and it encompasses environment, web as in network, and story design.]

Q) How do we find support in a society that is missing a high percentage of its true elders?
A) We have our own human nature. There are true elders and support in all cultures and societies. The primary teacher is the wild/natural world. Healthy cultures come from nature and we still have nature and wildnerness and our own deep souls. Find our feet in the natural world again and the doors begin to open. All things that God has made support our journey. Only in nature can you find the metaphors to find yourself, to name yourself.

Q) What is the difference between transrational and pre-rational?
A) Prerational has no critical element to it. Might set imagination loose. Can't go back to being 5 years old though, but you don't have to crush it. Transrational means having gone through complete consciousness; knowing things with a combination of rational and transrational.

Closing:
Bill Plotkin recites from memory the poem "Prospective Immigrants" by Adrien Rich, a contemporary American poet.
"Please note, the door itself makes no promises. It is only a door."

The year beginning conference January 19-22 will be "Nature and the Human Soul" with Bill Plotkin and Richard Rohr in Albuquerque.

A fellow intern shared this with me






It means a lot right now. Reminds me many of us are going through the same. And we come out all right. The threshold is never easy to pass through.

Here is what was emailed to me by C:

"Seeing ourselves clearly

When we begin to see clearly what we do, how we get hooked and swept away by old habits, our usual tendency is to get discouraged, a reason to feel really bad about ourselves. Instead, we could realize how remarkable it is that we actually have the capacity to see ourselves honestly, and that doing this takes courage.

It is moving in the direction of seeing our life as a teacher rather than as a burden. This involves, fundamentally, learning to stay present, but learning to stay with a sense of humor, learning to stay with loving kindness toward ourselves and with the outer situation, learning to take joy in the magic ingredient of honest self-reflection"

excerpt from Rejoicing in things as the are, teaching by Pema Chodron, pg 57

And I get all of this. Last weekend in Red Mesa, I watched myself going back to old habits of withdrawing and not wanting to be around anyone. I felt like I was back in that time in Chile once with a group of people making landart. I had to shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep a lot of the time so I wouldn't get overwhelmed and so I would have the energy/resources for creativity. And I did, and the projects came. But what if they could come without the intense desire for solitude? Or is that just the magic ingredient where the incubation happens?

Anyway, in Red Mesa, I walked along on my own in the opposite direction of everyone else. Then I ran as fast as I could. Then I sat in the car alone and wrote for a while. Why the sudden shift from happy morning to troubled evening? Was it all too much to absorb? It was certainly a lot and I was tired.

I had been in Santa Fe just that very morning waking up so happy to a cool morning in the mountains and beautiful walk where 3 coyotes ran in front of us. From Santa Fe, I went directly into a Deep Time workshop in Albuquerque for 3 hours and wished that I had more time than 3 hours - because I needed way more time than that to go deep. It was more like surface time that gave me glimpses of what was underneath. The course began with the lovely question, what brought you joy this morning? I offered my story of the walk with coyotes in Santa Fe.

I'd had such a great previous night saying bye to some friends leaving NM, sitting on top of La Fonda at the Belltower Bar with the sun setting. There's a certain, strange feeling I have when I go back to Santa Fe now, because there is such an unknowing, but hopeful feeling about returning or ever going back. I'm not attached though, I'm just enjoying being there while I'm there in gratitude. Not being able to take it for granted, certainly does keep my relationship with it fresh.

Once I got to Red Mesa, all I wanted was solitude and to be somewhere no one else was exploring, where no one else knew where I was. I was in that kind of mood and I knew it. And no one else was that way, they were a social way. At least, I just kept quiet and did not say unkind things to people I would have only been projecting those things on them. As they always do, the feelings of irratability passed with time, with surrendering bringing me into a centered place again. The beautiful horses and the much needed rest, since I was fighting off a cold, quickened the process to only being out of sorts for a day.

A Different Way of Knowing


You think you know, but you never do
even when you think you do,
what will unfold for you.
Trust that where you are,
is where you're meant to be,
especially in times of uncertainty.
Reside here beyond fear.
Give up the clinging for security.
Open your heart wide,
and listen from there.
The visible unknowing
is a reminder that
You are never in control.
The phases of vulnerability
come and pass.
Let them
bring you into abundance.
Accept them
as blessings of humility.
Healing
lies in surrender.
Slow down
and let go.

- Jeanne 8/4/11

Friday, August 5, 2011

Dreams, Grace and Music in the Biopark





 
I did have a symbolically packed dream last night after either weird anxiety dreams or no dreams at all for a little while. Here's my dream:
 
I am sitting in a big ballroom/lecture room with all the other applicants for the Chronicle Books design fellowship in San Francisco. We are given the instructions to come to the podium to sit when we see the sign to do so. However, there are only 3 chairs at the podium and only those 3 who are in the seats will be selected. Everyone is watching a famous designer speaking near the podium. My sister is sitting next to me for support, not as an applicant herself. We are sitting in the very back of the room. I wonder if there will be a mad dash, like musical chairs, when we are given the sign. Suddenly, in the back, I see a beautifully attired woman in a black and gold dress and I know she is the signal to move forward. I walk along the side aisle toward the front. As I near the stage, two women in the 2nd to front row also see the woman in black and gold signaling. They get up and continue with me and we all sit in the 3 chairs near the podium. No one else has noticed the woman in gold and black, or us. There is no fuss or rush for the front when the rest of the applicants do realize that the seats are filled.
 
Next, the three of us have to have our minds scanned. There are small screens in front of us so we can view the scans and the visuals also pop up on a large projector in the front of the room. I look at my scan. I notice one large compartment (and I think 3 small ones, which are part of the larger one, I'm not sure); In the large compartment is written in typed small-caps, the word GRACE. This is also the case for the scans for the two women next to me. I am aware that they have known each other for a long time.
 
Audience members who ask to see their mind scans see a different image on the screen. The largest part of their brain component reads in typed small caps: MINDLESSNESS. In the dream, I know this means lack of awareness and GRACE means integration and unity.
 
Next, the 3 of us on the podium are led by one of last year's fellows, a man, into another room with cocktails and then into another room where we are told our work assignments. The 3 assignments are: Environment, Network and web (where the other two women are placed) and Story Design, where I am placed. These titles surprise all of us because we know that the placements we applied for were different [and these are real life placements outside my dream world] and included: children's book design, marketing, and book design. Another surprising thing happens when we are informed that the fellowship begins in only a few weeks, in September, instead of January - as we had anticipated from the application materials. I had travel plans for the fall already and I change them to fit the new dates of this new opportunity. At the end of the dream, I am driving to San Francisco.
 
The dream left me with a very happy, optimistic and purposeful feeling. (especially since before having no dreams for a while, I kept having dreams that left me feeling irratable or discouraged). I awoke feeling like there are surprises coming and I need to be flexible and open to them. The most powerful point in the dream was the word GRACE in my mindscan. I think this setup of the mind as a pattern of unity comes with awareness and mindFULness and goes to compartmentalization with mindLESSness.
 
The evening before I had this dream was a very happy, care-free and also meaningful and unexpected one. My plan had been to go to see music in the biopark with T and M. We were about to leave when C surprised us by saying she was coming too. M teased her about actually getting out of the house. We were all in the dining room at this point so C took the opportunity to share what has been going on with her to the group. It was a very moving, humbling and connecting experience. R had the idea for to bless her with anointed, rosemary scented olive oil. We ended in a group hug with C in the center. 
 
I realized just how powerful it is to be the one sending deeply felt prayers to someone else. C turned the night meaningful very suddenly. I didn't care about going to the concert anymore and was surprised again when there was still time to go and M, C and T were still up for it. So off we went. We had such a fun rest of the night listening to a modern, young band in the biopark and sharing stories about risks we have taken. Then we came home and made popcorn and stayed up talking, watching silly Saturday night live parodies on youtube, and laughing before going to bed, when I dreamed that dream.

Indeed, I feel like my whole intention has come back into alignment this week and that feels great!
I am grateful A encouraged me to watch my dreams this week and reminded me that intention is everything.