From September 5th 2009

New Zealand will be an excellent time to write and focus on a project. To have a daily practice and a focus througout my trip. Like youth. Last time I was in NZ, I really noticed ageism there - how much more attention people pay to age than even here, how growing old is just not treasured. Especially for women. Early 30's and you're not wanting to say your age there! Last time I went to NZ, I was 22. Now I am 26. Maybe for the trip, my daily observation can be focused on that topic. I will notice it more if that's what I'm paying attention for - I can write about it every day and create related images. 

The topic of age and innocence has been popping up a lot in life the past few weeks for me. I have had several people tell me this summer that I have a light of youth in my eyes, that I look younger than I am. Faez told me last night even, "Its true, you still have that innocence." And my house mate, Jonathan said the other day, "I hope you don't mind my saying, but its hard for me to believe you of all people ever spent a night in jail. You seem so innocent and pure." I can't see it of course. Does it always have to disapear? My friend, Erin, is writing an essay for a contest; the prompt is: "At what point in your life do you feel you became an adult?"

Does loss of innocence happen the more you deal with harsh reality?  Take my friends Ted and Wendy. I want to be like them when I am 60 - so incredibly full of life and out enjoying it.

Referring back to the essay question, Erin asked me what my point would be. I said, probably my experience volunteering for 6 months at a camphill in England when I was 23. Why? I had to draw on and cultivate an inner hardness that felt foreign to me to get through in tact emotionally. I experienced for the first time the need to deaden some of my emotions and responses and feelings. And it took a few months after I left to go back to the way I was before. I remember asking my house parent once if he was happy. He nearly scoffed at me -and explained that he doesn't feel anymore. He doesn't feel sadness and he doesn't feel happiness. Was he just saying that? How awful not to know that that is not a normal way to live or a healthy way. But so much of society is sick emotionally. How else do you deal with pain except to cut out your feelings? However, that youthful sparkle never dies in anyone. It may get burried, but you can always dig it back out. 

"We must continue to ope in the face of tremendous opposition. No one is encouraging us to open and still we must peel away the layers of the heart."

- Trungpa Rinpoche, Tibbetan Buddhist master

"We must continue to trust in our own voice and process. Ultimately if the process is good, the end will be good." (Goldman, 12)

Accept the mood, the state. 

Know it will pass. 

It always does. 

There is peace in knowing this. 

But I don't always remember that

when in the throws of it.

When happy, be there totally! Even though instability in moods may happen one hour later. Listen. Why did that shift in mood come? Was it because you were not listening? You were online looking for a car instead of making butternut squash soup. You were worrying about how you are going to afford a car and travel instead of reading and writing.