The Story Continues

Friday night, I went to Albuquerque, this time for a Matrix Energetics seminar and to see friends. First, I attended meditation at the Center for Action and Contemplation with Andee and Teresa, then, the two of us joined Adonna at Baily's on the Beach for dinner. I only wish there had been more time because the time with them is always so wonderful. Teresa and I left early though, for a free seminar on Matrix Energetics. I don't even know how to explain this work. Its just highly fascinating, entertaining stuff. Yes, it is new-agey, but it seems more practical and accessible than most new-agey material. Its just another awakening and healing movement happening in the world, in our time. There is no right or wrong method - its just great so many movements exist out there for personalities to fit and find their gifts within. Ultimately, I believe, its about exposing yourself to all the different methods and extracting elements that work for you and blending them into your own unique way. At least, that is the path that I am on.

I spent the night at another friend, Vanessa's, after the seminar. Vanessa is an artist and an employee at the CAC. We had been dying to talk art/design and spirituality for a while. She wanted to see my portfolio, so I showed her a portion. We'll have to meet again for the rest because its just too much to take in. She gave me encouraging, positive feedback. Vanessa had plans to take me to breakfast for my birthday. I love when b-days begin before your actual date of birth and extend a week after! Vanessa took me to a great place, Slate Street Cafe. We shared blueberry - lemon compote stuffed french toast and smoked salmon fritatta. It was one of the best breakfasts I've ever had out to eat. Thank you Vanessa!

I woke up that morning with back pain again. Vanessa had an appt. with Diane for a massage. Diane also does acupuncture and she's really good at it. Vanessa gave up her spot for me! My acupuncture treatment with Diane felt way different than at the SW college of acupuncture. I could feel the tender spots and the little needles going in and the pressure points and the needles doing their subtle thing. My feet especially, a point Diane said related to my gallbladder, were undoubtedly the most sensitive. I felt the results and relief immediately taking a walk afterwards. I came home and rested with an icepack for a while. I was so grateful my body was well enough for the night's planned adventures.

A group of 8 friends and I took off for full-moon skiing, the last one of the season, at the Valle Caldera. Spectacular. Bonfires greeted us at the visitor center and at the old movie set cabin we skied to. After about 3 hours, we returned to the cars and drove to Spence Hot Springs. We were a little bummed to find the springs filled with a group of sexually-obsessed kids from St. John's College and a pod of Conspiracy Theory minded ex-military people from Corrales. Add to the mix the 8 of us from Santa Fe, plus one friend from Los Alamos. It turned out to be an entertaining, fascinating experience. Everyone a little out of their element out in the elements of a cold, nearly full moon March night into the early morning at the hot springs. I was acutely ware of the the edge between sacred and profane. That type of experience gets me wried to the realm of writing, takes me to the place of dreams, calls me to the moment of nothing else mattering, charges me to put it down.

The Grey Line Between
Is it balancing on razor edge?
Or teetering on tight rope?
This moon-beam and bottles night,
In the Jemez hot springs.
Smoke rings infiltrating steam,
And lungs of bodies soaking.
Catching sight of stars through
Tea lights saying silence,
Beautiful, golden flames,
Dance mutely with noisy voices,
Sinking into water cave,

Thinking sacred and profane.

Catching Up from the week

So much has happened in the past few weeks, I haven't even had a chance to empty the events onto the page until now.

New Moon:
I'll start with the new moon women's gathering on February 21st, a Tuesday. That took place in Albuquerque at Adonna's Moon Beam Therapies. I decided to go at the last minute. Recently signed on to design the guidebook for The Chocolate & Coffee Festival, I needed to go to Albuquerque anyway to retrieve large files. I decided I would combine both commutes into one.

The women's group and women present this time really blew me away. Everyone opened up so much to sharing dreams and intentions after having potluck dinner over goddess coloring book and talking time. We took turns passing a "talking stick" around the circle, sharing our highest dreams and envisioning them coming true for ourselves and the others. The group intentionality was so powerful. Adonna kindly let me spend the night so I didn't have to drive back that night.

Working through Back Pain
The next morning, I woke up with a level 7 out of 10 back pain. The lower back pain had been present in some form or another since mid-January and I let it go on too long, thinking it would just go away on its own. But that was not its intention. Without a clear head, I headed straight for the first chiropractor who would fit me in that morning. Not a great idea. He was no help at all and merely charged me $200 for exrays and more harmful than helpful cracking. I have had minor scoliosis since infant hood, but its never bothered me; the x-rays only confirmed that I still had a slight curve in my spine, accompanied now by an inflamed L4/L5 disc.

Gilly, my boss at the riding stable I work at part time, insisted I see her body worker, Mike at Santa Fe spa and put a check in my purse for $75 to go. So the next day I did. Mike was so great! He could immediately see from my walk that my hips were out of alignment. By the end of the session with him, I was feeling a  relief. However, I knew Mike was merely moving around physical elements and I would need to go to someone else in addition to get to the root, someone who could realign the energy patterns in my body.

Two days later, I ventured into Katia Van Horn's office for craniosacral therapy. Katia came highly recommended by a  friend. She was outstanding; I could instantly feel the energy moving around, especially in my head. It is the strangest sensation. Katia confirmed my intuition, that my body had gradually shifted out of alignment due to the concussion I sustained back in December. She told me that concussions are very big deals; people often don't realize this - I hadn't - yet, they effect your whole body, your nervous system, everything. She told me that my nervous system is extremely delicate, tense, as if bracing itself to be hurt again. By the end of the session, she said it felt more relaxed, and I could feel it too.

Astrology
Things are all falling together. A few days before seeing Katia, I had my first astrology reading with Hoda Kiama, who came highly recommended by a friend too. She was wonderful, compassionate and extremely smart with degrees in homeopathy and naturopathic medicine as well. One of the first things Hoda told me was that I have a push-pull tendency in my personality that is also internalized in my body. This makes sense in regards to my mild scoliosis. The good news is, she said, the push-pull dynamic is workable and mutable.

Hoda knew that I'd had an accident of some kind in December. I told her that, yes, indeed, I'd had a concussion. She said an accident was bound to happen at that time. The push-pull was bound to manifest itself in some way then. That gave me goose bumps!

Hoda went on to tell me that while my sun sign is in Pisces, my rising sign is in Virgo. Virgo is the direct opposite of Pisces and shares very few traits in common. So this creates push-pull, but also the potential of great balance. The two signs alone are generally weaker, but produce a very strong sign combination together. Pisces is romantic, imaginative, idealistic while Virgo is analytical, pragmatic, down to earth and practical. This gives the ability to take the imagined and create and apply it in the real world. In addition to this, Hoda told me my Pisces sign falls under the house of Libra - bringing a balance and a pension for art, love and beauty. My moon sign is in Sagitarius, which is where I get my philosophical, intellectual side, a quick mind and pace of life that is hard for others to keep up with sometimes, and my love of learning and traveling.

Hoda said I was bound to travel. From my chart, she was surprised I did not grow up in a military family. I said I stayed relatively put with my family until college, but then I caught the travel bug and haven't stayed put long since then. She said I am not done traveling or wandering; much more is to come. That my Virgo rising and dual Capricorn parents really helped to ground me though. She said that I have a talent for healing that will pop up at some point, that I'm good with animals and children, that I am a creative, a councilor, a healer, a writer and a teacher. That, as far as the visual arts, I would be good at graphic design and film.

One of the most interesting things she told me, which I already see playing out, is that I will always have 2 careers going on at once. I need this to challenge my mind from being bored and to balance, its in my nature. She said one career would always involve graphics/technology and the other would involve self-growth and being of service to others. She told me more and work would be coming in from a distance, allowing me to work anywhere and not be tied to one place. She said that with any effort on my part, money would come in. In regards to my career, she said it would be a great and beneficial thing to combine the graphic/technology with the spiritual and healing, that there will always be comfort and a feeling of home in the spiritual for me. Funny that is already starting to happen.

In regards to relationships, she advised me to watch out for patterns in myself of going too fast romantically, then I lose the objectivity and can get disillusioned. She said I need to go slowly, that I need to be the one to choose, only after he has proved himself to me. If he is really interested, he will be patient with this waiting and process and even enjoy it. She said I tend to search for identity in my partner (seems like most people do do that though!), that while I greatly love being in relationship, my focus will always be on my career. I can definitely see this - through out grad school and a lot of my life, I was too focused on my work to be involved.

Hoda mentioned that my Saturn Return would peak November 2012. This a hard time to go through. Everyone goes through it. When you get through it, you feel a great self-growth and experience gained. Going through it requires lots of patience. I told Hoda I already feel like I'm in it. She said that's because I'm starting to feel it; it will last a year and a half. According to her, mine will involve less tension and conflict about myself and more in regards to other people,  in particular a restriction/difficulty of communication with a sibling. I think the Saturn return could easily coincide with Bill Plotkin's idea of soul-initiation into adult-hood, of coming out of the cocoon (but this becoming a true adult does not so frequently happen chronologically in western society).

Career
Now, back to the week and what else has been going on. Which is, of course, related. So, I have begun getting spiritual design work from a distance, not just from the Chocolate and Coffee Festival in Albuquerque, but work related to the spiritual realm as well.

At the end of the Bill Plotkin workshop in January, I realized that I really wanted to do design work for spiritually-minded organizations, alt. health centers, healing centers, publications. That's where I want to contribute my creativity and spend my energy. So, I began researching organizations and sending out letters of inquiry. Most wrote back wishing me well, saying they already had a designer or giving me leads to other places. The more I began focusing on this direction, the more I began noticing places to contact.

Within two weeks, I began designing newsletters and fliers for The Center for Inner Truth and The Deep Coaching Institute (Enneagram teaching organization) both in Santa Fe. Through them, I am meeting amazing people and am sure more connections are coming. I went to a meditation at the Center for Inner Truth last Sunday and met a woman who couldn't say enough about the Intro to Self-Healing Class taught by the director, Juli Sommers. So, I have decided to take the course, which begins in a few weeks. And, wonderfully, I found a new spiritually-minded room mate, named Lori, to move into the newly vacant spare room in our house. She and her friend, Jafari, are going to take the Healing class with me. Both Lori and Jafari have studied with shamans for two years in the Amazon! They are headed back next Winter. Something tells me, I'll be going with them.

Through another design inquiry, I am beginning collaboration with Tammy, who lives in Austin and owns a spiritual graphic design company called Seva Creative. Coincidentally, she lived in Santa Fe during the exact time, I lived in Austin for grad school. I found Tammy when I contacted one of her main clients, Nina Brown, who resides in Santa Fe. Now I will be helping out with the growing design work needed by that client. To start, Tammy thinks she will be able to give me 10 hours of work consistently a week. We will see! I'm just open to whatever seems to be coming in.

Back to the back
I found a coupon for acupuncture from the SW School of Acupuncture. I don't really think they helped with my back though, even though they were very kind. Next week, I return to Mike and Katia.

Other highlights from the past few weeks:
My friend Turner premiered his documentary film on New Orleans for a small group of friends. The film will be at SXSW in a few weeks. It was great. New Orleans is officially on my list of places to go within the year. A big group of us met at the Cowgirl afterward.

I got an art fix going to the free Site Santa Fe opening.

An entertaining, cool couch surfer from Barcelona came for a few nights. He made delicious Spanish omelets during a potluck at the Ranch. And he taught us the simple delicacy of smearing fresh garlic, tomatoes and olive oil on toasted bread.

I found a carpet string heart on the kitchen floor.

The snow came a few times and made my walks on the hill behind the ranch even more magical

Santa Fe Enneagram Workshop

Saturday, February 18th
Given by Diana Redmond, Director of Deep Coaching Institute
10am - 5:30pm

"Its not our job to search for love. Our job is to discover the barriers blocking us from love." The enneagram shows us how we've labeled our selves and put up boundaries and how to get beyond that.

The belly center, when we connect with it, gives us the ability to be in a nonjudgmental, preference-less state.

Each type is a facet of consciousness.

We go from infancy at a point of "I am that" to a point of "Who am I?" That point of asking "Who am I?" is when the personality starts to form as a means to relieve ourselves from our forgetting and the pain of disconnection that brings.

Ask yourselves, "What part of me takes me away from source?"

The circle of the enneagram diagram represents the bounding of what we have decided to include and exclude, to accept and resist about ourselves.

Somatic awareness - fully being in the body

To be lovable, you have to be willing first to be unloveable. The trinity, both/and. Lovealbe, unloveable and the two together.

Whatever we resist, persists! Whatever we are fighting against, the opposite of that is not being owned in ourselves.

[as a 4, I have to be willing to have no personal significance or identity in order to have personal significance and identity]

The open heart is what brings us our meaning, purpose and identity with life.

The open mind brings brilliance, clarity, and awakens.

The open belly brings grounding and substantiality.

Time is a continual unfolding of consciousness, continually becoming, that that unfolding is what we lose touch with and disconnect from.

Belly Center (8, 9, 1)

The 8: unself-conscious, strength, immidiacy. 8's want to be met. The wife of an 8 realized, that in order to keep her marriage, her husband needed: good food, good sex and for her to meet him and stand up for herself. Lust is the passion of the 8 and it transforms into the virtue of innocence. The transformation comes from embracing the lustfulness and being with it.

Mantra: "My vulnerability is the source of my strength"

The 9: Embracing, receptive energy. Has lost touch with the world already being harmonious. Think they have to make it harmonious and to recreate that harmony they think is gone. There sense of self is "I'm the peaceful, calm one" and they are invested in maintaining that image, so much so that their anger gets repressed and has no where to go. The sloth is their passion, and their own internal awakening. They do every other thing than the one that is really important to them, don't put the effort into their own awakening and knowing themselves, almost live through other people. Their mental habit is rumination (philosophizing). They are disconnected from their belly center and forward momentum. They are stubborn - don't even bother with a  9 when they're in this stubborn place of "No!". They have boundary issues. Watch for their saying yes, when they really mean no.

Mantra: "My presence matters"

Break for group excerize. Pair up. One person asks the question and listens silently while the other answers all that comes to mind. Question: How to you express anger? Me - I don't really feel anger in the moment. The irritability and resentment and even reproachment of myself will come afterwards - wishing I could have said the things in the moment I realize afterwards. When I was a child, though, I expressed anger immediately and powerfully with tantrums followed by pouting and withdrawal to my room. Now, I almost have a delayed reaction to anger, not just anger, but any powerful emotion - sadness, fear. I don't know if its because I learned that having the outbursts and just reacting did no good. Now I have more of a sense of seeing myself as its happening, training myself not to react, but to act more objectively from a place of distance. I cannot remember the last time I blew up at someone in anger even when they were angry at me. Sometimes, though, it would be helpful to be able to do this - some middle ground between me as a child and me right now would be an interesting experiment for me to develop.

The 1: Perfection in true quality of things. The 1 walks around as if they're the one responsible for perfection - when in reality, its all perfect because the world is inherently perfect. The one has a very controlled expression of anger - sometimes its okay and sometimes its not and the "okayness" is dictated by them. "I'm doing the right thing. I know I am." "I'm going to be my own judge and make my own discipline" They have the sense of themselves as reasonable and objective. They need to start seeing that "That's my right" and asking themselves, "What voice is it that is telling me that this is right?" Their wake-up call - "When I'm feeling the weight on my shoulders, that I'm the only one caring about this, why is it always me? Why can't everyone else have integrity and awareness like I do?" Sometimes after being really really good, they'll suddenly act out, get really drunk, show their bad side. To have good, we have to have bad. They're projecting the badness and imperfection they don't own in themselves. Instead, they need to ask themselves, "What is the perfection I see in this moment? What is the goodness I see in this situation?" Mental habit: judging. They go back and whip themselves for something they think they could have done better. They feel like this inner critic voice is being reasonable and objective and right. They are particularly adverse to criticism - can't be with mistakes. The journey for the one is to honor and see the imperfection and perfection in themselves.

With the enneagram, we're figuring out the know we've been identifying with. We can't fight against our defense structures, but what we can do is relax into it, be curious, and that loosens the knot. It brings things into the circle, allowing. To realize its a defense structure my personality created to defend against loosing magnificence.

Our biggest fear is not our smallness. Our biggest fear is our magnificence.

Heart Center (2,3,4)
The place of purpose, meaning and compassion. Compassion asks the question, "I understand the misunderstanding that is happening in this moment, and I ask, how can I serve?"
When in balance, allows feelings to come without dwelling in or identifying with.

The 2: humility is being humble to our own human condition and the 2's have lost that. There is a stickiness to their love. They are wanting to be loved. Mental habit: flattery. Often we are so blind to our flattery. Internal message: "I am good or okay if I am loved and accepted" Wake up call: "leaning into someone in order to be fulfilled, very relationship-oriented, clingy. There are strings attached with their giving, very possessive. Making others feel guilty and smothered.

Mantra: "What do I need?" "I ask for what I need"

The 3: Most disconnected from the heart center and with their heart's desire. When connected their virtue is the ability to keep manifesting this glory of authenticity. "If I'm the best at it and do a lot of stuff, I get attention. All I have is my conquests" Feel like they have to earn it. Hard-working. "I can get it done" confident, capable, efficient, polished, seamless. Incredible ability to deceive others and themselves. "That's who I am, a vanity around that" Feel they have to perform to have value. See me - I didn't get seen by my mother the way I wanted to be seen. Core fear: failure, of being worthless. The heart loves the truth of whats in the moment, authenticity. Wanting to be seen as the best. Wakeup call: "Noticing that they're performing and acting as if there is a camera on them, not being authentic to themselves"

Mantra: "How others see me is none of my business" "This is much bigger than me. I'm just one of many threads"

The 4: Longing for the divine. "My sweet, crushed angel" poem by Hafiz. Part of consciousness they're most attuned to is depth and beauty of life. "The beloved is all I yearn for". 4's and 5's are the deep sea divers of the psyche. Who am I? All about being authentic and not being part of suburbia, superficiality. Mental habit: fantasizing. Wakeup call: "Taking themselves out of connection by using their mind to stir up their feelings and strengthen their feelings and longings" Shame/hurt. Envy. Stirring up feelings makes them feel more alive. Emotional honesty, self-revealing, inspired creator, self absorbed or self-indulgent. Virtue of equanimity. Core fear: of having no identity, no personal significance. Can access the heart of the matter when engaged in life and emotionally balanced. Personal creativity connects to the universal. Sensitive, intelligent.

Mantra: "I see the beauty that is in this moment" "The beautiful quality of my life is based on small, ordinary moments"

Heart types are searching for attention and image. Value and shame come with the feeling of being out of integrity with oneself. Shame helps us show that we're out of integrity. "I'm out of alignment here"

Head types (5, 6, 7)
Head types are looking a lot in the future, while looking for security. With fear, its what has us be alert in the moment. Its a responsive energy. When fear gets distorted, it turns into anxiety. Fear is the false expectation that something is real. We all do it, regardless of our type.

The 5: Capacity to see where delusions are and illuminate them. Avarice of the heart. Perseptive. Mental habit: retention "My safety and security come from my knowledge" Need to have their own space. Mantra: "I am safe in tis world" Wakeup call: "disconnecting to go figure something out, withdrawing to their mind while removing themselves from their heart"

The 6: Least connected with quiet mind. "I'm not sure where I want to go" Wakeup call: "frantic over thinking" Mantra: "My security lies within me" Constant story of what could happen. Projecting out on others what is happening in their minds. Good exercise: to pick a partner and time of day and call and report gratitudes to that person for a length of time. To ask what supports me now? Courage is starting where there is no secure outcome or results.

The 7: Freedom, utter spontaneity. complete, spontaneous joy, lightness. Part of the assertive triad (3, 7, 8). of I'm gonna get my needs met. Boring is outside their circle. Wake up call: "The grass is always greener" Mental habit: anticipation and planning. That's how they take themselves out of being here. Have full calendars. When in fact, commitment is freedom. Pinning their hopes on something to give them happiness.

Mantra: "My fulfillment exists by experiencing the exquisiteness of the here and now"

About Writing Poetry

When I was a child, I wrote poetry and stories. When I was reading books like, "The BFG" or "The Indian & the Cubboard" or "Redwall". When my imagination took me everywhere and my parents would call my brother and I reluctantly to dinner from the forests.

Then, I don't know, I stopped, other than 1 poetry class in high school that did not feel nourishing and 2 pretty great ones in college that sparked my interest again, but didn't keep it burning.

For whatever reason,

Before twenty-eleven June,

I wasn't writing poetry,

Only once in a blue moon,

Once in a seasonal spell,

And now that I've restarted,

I can't go without the well,

Its the silence of the evening again,

of a day completed as best it could be,

that brings me back to mystery.

If I were to lose my sight,

As my dad lost his in later years,

I would turn to healing probably,

Maybe sooner in life than I will,

I could still be a poet,

But not a visual artist so much.

I feel again like writing,

Though I don't know what.

Something from my imagination.

Coming like a kaleidoscopic

Shifting colors invitation.

I am reading a little paper my friend, Cathy, sent me. Its called "Circling to the Center". A quote pops out at me, relating to a poem I wrote last week about destiny. The quote:
"Destiny? The word is not really mysterious. It is in reality a simple word, asking only that we live each moment as it comes. It means, "Being whom we are meant to be...Growing as we are intended to grow. Accepting one's own reality."

Another quote: "To progress in our inner work, we need to be able to observe our resistance, our attachment to our self-image, and our fear"

and another comforting quote: "I am to rest in this opaque unknowing, leaving behind the light of understanding. To no longer want to understand, no longer need to understand"
Yes, this make me think about how last year at this time, I had ideas/plans for the year all the way to September (Guatemala learning Spanish until May, Europe trip in May, Spiritual internship June - August, Alaska and the pacific NW trip August/September, return to Santa Fe in September - and, miraculously how all of that happened and I was given the means to do it). I am strangely enough even more excited and uplifted for this year than last because I do not know and have no plans/ideas set in stone for this year and I am so in love with this not knowing that now the challenge becomes not getting too attached to the not knowing. Does that make any sense? Not getting too attached to this feeling of things flowing without knowing. To take this practice and knowledge with me when things seem to be clear in my life again - that I don't need or want to understand or hold on to the unknowing or the seeming to know now that that clarity is starting to come again.

Cross-country Skiing, Valle Caldera, New Mexico

One foot in front of the other?
If so, then sliding, gliding,
On skis across sunlit snow.
One thing at a time?
Then this moment cries go,
Toward trees fringing the rim,
Of ancient crater, once volcano,
Expansive brim of whiteness,
Cradling sword brightness of sky,
Making our own slim tracks,
Who could possibly deny,
That life aches to live us,
To the fullest we can allow,
To give us slopes, deep drifts,
Balance, hopes to follow,
Interims on fallen logs,
Friends to hug like a koala,
Leaps alone and together,
Enter into bones, cloud and stone.

Imaginal Fragments

Just string things together,

Disco balls, fortune, lust, December,

Until I remember and know you.

With the magnetic moon,

Pull me to act authentically, 

Call me toward my destiny,

To land wherever that may be,

Possibly in the shadow hand,

Of pen on ruled paper,

Or amid the golden memories,

Of sloppy crayons marking,

On childhood coloring books -

Spread out toward fantasy,

In floods of magic ink,

Of purple pinons bowing

To blue coyotes howling,

As everyone transforms into pink

Fringes of the Western sun,

As stars greet the Earth,

And hearts meet the lightness,

And darkness extinguishes

The distinguishing of anyone.

Poem from the end of the evening

How important it is to keep expanding the heart. Letting anything in to my heart that is causing negative emotions. To picture the person or situation that is causing negativity, to picture them in my heart and to really feel them there. Its a giving of that thing from my mind to my heart, because my heart can hold it, but my mind will only spin on it. And to give it whole heartedly to my heart (or your spirit guide or whatever works for you) and not pick it back up again.

The more my heart can hold the things that irritate/anger/sadden/hurt me than the more open I am to presence/connection with mystery/god/source/etc.  I'm excited to be practicing this and feeling it work, not just reading about it. I greeted today with the intention that this would be an expanding of the heart day and  a lightness of the heart day. And it has been.

"Prayer is an awareness and very often a waiting"

Poem from the end of the evening:

I think I hear thunder,
But it must only be a plane,
A painting of a lightening storm
Hangs on the wall,
Of the place I am housesitting for,
February chill stalls outside,
Solitude redeems the space,
I do not wish to fill it,
With anything but poetry,
Listening, and light-heartedness.
What wants to form?
What is waiting to be born?
From this well of stillness,
That was here all along?
Pay attention, expect to find,
A story in the void,
Waiting to arise,
Beauty in the abyss,
More than ready to shine.