Sunday, October 7, 2012

Poem (written 5/23/12)

An eclipse occurred.
And I missed it.
Totally slipped my mind.
I was talking to my sister.
Catching up with her.
On college life.
Signing off soon.
On truth and honor too,
And attunement to emotions.

Now darkness blankets desert.
Moths crash again window pane,
Straining for the light.
Midnight kitty purrs contendedly,
Beside me as I write.

What must be left behind?
What does not support this space?
A shift in motion, time and place.
Happiness seems a transient state,
Set on future arrivals.
I let clinging to it
pass amid the upheaval
of moth wings on glass.

I leave behind the people
Who wear masks.
I drop my own.
I discard 7 stones,
So I can step across the water.
I watch the mask float off,
Past laughing river otters.

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams August 201...

"Whenever we enter into a relationship for anything less than to love and be loved, it can't sustain us" (12)

"When we disown qualities that we have within us, we are often attracted to people who are expressing those very same qualities." (15)

Dharma talk:
When we're relaxed or absorbed in activity, there is very little sense of self, of me, of desire for the next thing.

Spiritual practice is a series of mistakes.

Desire at its roots comes from the longing for happiness. A knowing that something better is possible, spiritual urgency and wisdom.

Desire focused on awareness and awakening is a diff. kind of energy that involves channeling wisdom.

chanda - whole desire, takes us toward more lasting happiness and connection

Desire with intent and discrimination leads to release, non attachment and waking up.

Desire not to be, to numb out is an aversion. An aversion to yourself. It can masquerade as pseudo spiritual. A way of protection, but also a prison. Both very much concerned and preoccupied with the self.

Doors open more than once. Things come around again and again. There is not just one chance to do something you are meant to do and experience in this life. Maybe the first time something came toward you, you felt the pull to do it, but you weren't quite there yet, obviously. Sometimes, it takes something coming around a 2nd or 3rd time for you to recognize it as worth the next step or leap. It seems a little more familiar, a little more accessible, or that much more urgently calling you and you that much more urgently listening! (2am wide awake journaling)

It was the right thing to be doing at the right time until right now. Because, right now, suddenly, I have outgrown it! And to stay further would be a limitation, a liability to my soul and growth rather than a stretching and growth of my ego. To recognize this meaning is such a gift.

My intention is to release anything blocking my creativity. My intention is to be creative and pay attention to dreams. Letting go of the horse job is a start. Letting go of living at the ranch and moving into Lisa's is another step. My intention is to attract people, situations, things into my life that encourage, promote and nourish my creativity and give me more outlets to apply it.

What do I love to do?
- Bring people together
- listen to, talk and get to know people
- be kind and loving and considerate to people
- bring elements together that seem disparate to create beauty in design, relationships, life

Right now, I don't know what next job is best for me. I trust that it will present itself when the time is right and I will be paying attention when it does. I have all that I need for everything I need for the time being.

A friend brought up the term "Flexibly tracked' this week. I like it. Similar to what I've been saying about "holding space."

Prioritize time and set boundaries. Be purposeful about both. Do what is conducive to creative work (often that means leaving space and time totally free and open to become!)

I just finished reading a most powerful book that a friend lent me, called, "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. At first I though it had such a cheesy title until I realized the profoundness. The book is not about calling in your one true love, prince charming, blah blah blah. Its about calling in the one in yourself. And how that love already exists in each of us. I realized that all of the things I would want in a partner, I must first recognize in myself. All of the things I want in my partner are also things I want myself to be up to the standards of! The book is a 7 week course of journaling, meditating, reflecting, and exercises to release boundaries you have to the love in yourself. I spent seven weeks with the book, but I didn't do it all in order or all of the exercises, since I felt like I've already been working on some of them or done them before. In the very last chapter of the book, the exercise then asks you to visualize who you see yourself with and what you see yourself doing. It was really fun to visualize and write. No expectations, but a knowing that its already within me so I already have it. I'll put it out here nonetheless: I see myself with poetry, books and design/art work out in the public sphere. I seem myself helping and healing others through communication, listening, helping them find their own intuition and access to their own heart's voice. I see myself traveling the world in support of these services/gifts. I see myself building community. Web builder. I see myself living near water eventually, the ocean and mountains. I see myself in love and fully loved. I see us with a child. I see myself consulting with and listening to my own intuition, body and emotional wisdom and helping others do the same. I see myself partnered with a man who compliments and supports my vision and I his vision. A man who has his own vision and who is following it. But our visions are on the same path and we can help each other grow and be all we can be. I see a kind, generous, open, warm-hearted man who is gentle on himself and on me. I see us communicating with integrity and intuition. This man adores me and I could not love him any more without my heart bursting into 1000 pieces. We give each other the space we each need to do our individual work while sharing a life vision together.

August full moon gathering notes
To feel free - that's what we all want. That means not defining and not wanting others to define me.
It takes 21 days to build a habit. Every 30 days, shed a habit you don't want.
The love for the work driving the work.
There is a lot of unpaved earth in NM. That's one reason why we all love it!
To trust.
To ask out loud. The shift happening on cellular levels.
Living our life purpose...And what do I believe about my life purpose? What I believe is supported in my action.
The beliefe of loving myself is that much to push through the fear and do it.
Everything we want is on the other side of fear. Those things we fear, we can use as a tool, indicator, compass for our life purpose. Go to the fear. The monster we expected is usually not on the other side!
You just have to be in it. No box. Needs space to bloom like a flower. No absolute yes and no absolute no. Must be able to meet in the middle. (holding that tension, flexibly tracked again).
Picture a line with a yes on one end and a no on the other and a dot for meeting in the middle. And hold the space for uncertainty, trusting the liminal middle ground.

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams July 201...

"To enact a vision quest is to clear a space" (213, Soul Craft)

"...To quest is to honor a fallow time in our spiritual lives, an emptiness into which something utterly new and generative might enter."

"Ceremonial descent to find our own soul image and derive deeper clarity regarding the purpose and meaning of our life.

Read Yeat's book "A Vision"

The thought, the longing, just exploded in my mind for some reason reading those words. How I want someone to share this journey with!

From Full Body Prescence:
"When we are focused on a future goal or expectation, the act of judging whether we've reached that goal or not separates us from the actual experience of the present moment." (56)

My intuition, my body, my emotions. Such an incredible resource. I am so grateful for them. I am more comfortable with myself now, tapping into these resources, than I have ever been in my adult life. Even though life and situations have been uncomfortable this year, I am increasingly more comfortable with myself, my soul, who I am and with the unknowing of who I am becoming.

What can I shed from my last chapter of life in order to better serve? The mask you wear. The one that hides how bright, radiant and spiritual you really are. Why have I been wearing it? To blend in and not be noticed, to not cause conflict or unwanted attention, to be nice and appropriate. Now you have the opportunity and the courage and the greater longing for authenticity, you have the ability to explain and the resilience to not care what others think of you so you can take off the mask now. And be authentically you and therefore authentically represent me.

talked to a squirrel. Asked it what its message was: you are not alone. All shall be well. Do not worry. Do not control or hold. Do not possess the disowning as your creation. I feel so sad tonight. Lonely. Why is it so hard to be connected? Why do the days feel so long? Remember, love yourself as is where you are at now. Messages:
- trust intuition even when you don't like what it says
- hold space, not getting attached to any one thing
- trust my ability to connect with healthy resources
- love myself where I am and trust that unknowing (recurring!)
- set bounderies
- be less timid/agreeable and more assertive/confident (embrace masculine side)
- slow down, cut back and simplify. Be discerning about my activities and who I spend time with

I've come to appreciate more and more the tears and sadness when it comes. I haven't had much of it since June. I think so much released Dec - June. With the start of summer, there was a passing. But I'm more okay with the downswings and the upswings both now. I think I'm on an upswing again now. It is equally challenging to not hold on to the upswing as it is to accept the downswing!! Now I have to practice the unattachement where as before I'd just started feeling more comfortable about the not resisting the down times! Oh life :)

The name Malidome Some floating in my mind upon awakening this morning. The final day of no food in 4. End fast. How wonderful food is and how wonderful my body for accepting so well after 4 days, amazing!

Notes from an article on Gandi's life:
- Eat simply and in small dishes
- Accumulate less, declutter things you don't need or use
- simplify what you do and how much
- let your life be your message

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams June 2012

"If you dream or wish constantly of writing, training horses, traveling, going back to school, or becoming a clown, that dream is actually a treasure map that will lead you to the central theme of your life" (14, The Language of Emotions)

What do I wish and dream about most?
- Traveling and exploring, learning and seeing new places, experiencing new things
- Creating poetry, books, artwork and design pieces and making a living from that
- Developing healing abilities and serving community that way
- Loving and being loved
- Having a magical hideaway studio/farm/gettaway place in nature

A lot of the people I admire are spiritual teachers, poets, healers and artists.

I am so grateful - I saw Stephen Curtin, magic osteopathic doctor in Blue Hill Maine today. I feel way better, energy unblocked and flowing again. He said he could feel the impact of the concussion still stuck in my system. He says he helps about 5 people a month with concussion issues. They're pretty serious things. He said, that since my body was already compensating for minor scoliosis since childhood, the added concussion put it over the edge. I asked if my body would have sorted itself out on its own, and his answer way that probably not with something this serious - or it would take a long time without healing help from another. My jaw was a major key out of alignment, setting everything else off. I could really feel the energy shifting and releasing as he worked on me. I asked if I would be better now with out any more visits to a chiropractor and he said yes with absolute confidence. He spent a long time working on my diaphragm and then told me that he could tell I did not have a very robust first breath. I told him he was exactly right - I'd been born 6 weeks early, blue unable to breath through my nose because skin was still covering it! I can feel an ease in my deepness of breathing now too.

Its absolutely amazing to suddenly be able to reach down and touch my toes again after 4 months of not being able to because one leg had twisted an inch and a half shorter than the other. Now they are the same length again. I am grateful for this whole experience, the painful negative parts all the way to this healing for how it has made me ground into reality and the depths of myself and to have faith that I will fully return to my original blueprint.

My intention for this day is to dance and play and be aware and connected to the dance that life is.  Givign up thoughts/feelings/planning/worries that cause heaviness, constriction in body that separate me from being connected to love, grace the universe. To hand it over and ask for help and to trust and have faith that the issue will be resolved.

Poets: Garrison Keeler, Billy Collins
Read poetry out loud.
Go to open mikes and poetry slams
hamilton roads publishing
"Poetry is a story condensed down to the essentials"

What needs to be cared for and restored so I can ascend to the highest path of my dreams?
Pay attention to what makes you happy.

Second appt. with Stephen Curtain. Pieces of pain residue: left collarbone and shoulder bone, left side of neck when turned to the left, left hand bending back, right sacrum stiffness. Soreness in mid-right back. All minor compared to before last week's session. Stephen Curtin said horseback riding, yoga, hiking, all activity is good for me. That there is a lot of shifting and chaining going on in my body right now, that by december even my minor scoliosis could very well be gone. Why not? He says. Well, indeed, why not? I could feel a difference immediately during the session and upon walking away. I can sense clear, strong bounders returning in myself since the concussion. I can imagine a circle around the healing done today, protecting the work. I also feel a huge release and liscence for renewal both physically and spiritually. So much gratitude.

Jessica's comment that this back/concussion stuff is requiring me to be in my body and really aware of my body. So true.

People just present an image to other people that they have the perfect life. I had a very rejuvenating nap today. I like the rain at night time. Just not during the day. It has rained every day on my week vacation in Maine so far. I enjoy being connected to people who have passions and interests in their lives and who are following them. Despite my intentions and wish to be otherwise, I was sucked into a mess of dissatisfaction with my life the past few days. I do believe families are given to you for a reason. Soul agreements. What do they have to teach you? Its always hard, things come out, when I go home despite my best effort to the contrary. Happens to everyone.

Paying attention to and noticing the messages. There are messages every day, but often we ignore them. This fear, apprehension, anxiety, weight over my head that I'm not performing adequately, not being all I "should" be right now. Where is this "should" coming from. Get rid of it. What to do about it other than be aware of it? Plenty of rest and setting healthy boundaries. The questions become so much easier to fathom when I direct them back to my soul work and not ego centered agenda. How many times have I heard, "Its not about getting there, its about the journey?" I'm grateful for this journey and for peeling back layers of the onion.

In spiritual direction and guidance the idea of art spirituality, a whole field to be developed.
Art is prayer.
It goes both ways - I am praying through my art and poetry and the divine is expressing itself back. There is a meeting in the middle.
Using creative expression to invite people to relate to themselves and the divine in a  new way.
Engaging with creativity allows us to turn down the critical voice sometimes.
Example using the non-dominant hand in art, a surrendering of control, allowing another to come into the mix.
- draw or paint or use clay to convey you image of the divine, and then your image of how the divine sees me. Go where you can go. Through the door that can be opened now. And more doors will open.

Sometimes it just takes time. Its about the process. Trusting in the process even the parts that don't seem to be getting you anywhere right now. As soon as you can distance yourself from that acting out part of yourself, that part is not in control any more.

What is my acting out face and what triggers it?
- when I'm not happy with myself, that's when I get envious of others and think the grass is greener on the other side. Wanting to feel more special than someone else. Choosing relations with people who are not as happy with themselves when I'm not happy with myself or choosing relationships with people who are wounded and need to be rescued when I am feeling this way myself.

In Chicago. When I was at the concert after a stressful kayaking trip where our kayaks almost sunk in the Chicago River, I asked myself, How do I get back to the peaceful place and be here in the moment at this concert and not back in the sinking boat? I got the answer to imagine/feel my soul sending love and receiving love from the other souls in the room. It was a beautiful thing to imaging and feel. And it worked. End my role as the rescuer. I feel like I am in a cocoon just about with my old self dissolving, nearly dissolved, but not quite yet, and my new self unknown, but in whispers that I can only trust that it will grow and come to be even though I cannot see it yet!

"Make peace with your lack of knowing, and trust that place fiercely" (110, Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft)

Dream Work, 3 types:
1) representational of real life
2) representational of the dream
3) representational of gods/archetypes/messages to the ego to help dissolve it or get beyond a blockage to soul growth, soul speaking to ego

Cathy gave me such a wonderful compliment today. She said I have a way of walking in beauty that comes out through my poetry and art!

It think I have learned so much about myself on this 2 week vacation to Maine and Chicago. A friend in Chicago asked me why I chose to study design. A good question looking back at it now. My answer to him:
- desire to make the world more beautiful
- desire to help communicate meaningful, educational, inspirational messages to people
- curiosity for what I could create and discover
- love for creativity, beauty, meaning

What I did in 2 weeks in Chicago and Maine doesn't so much matter. As what I carry with me from the experience. The encounters with people and events that touched my journey and touched their journey, nudging my awareness deeper. Whenever I return to my childhood home, the old wounds are inevitably triggered. I leave with a better understanding and compassion for what my wounds are and what triggers them. How I feel envious when I'm not listening or connected to my heart. The more I can see that acting out as not the essential me, the faster it will pass.

Meaningful conversation is not just in the words of the conversation, its in the expression. Not every conversation is going to be deep and not all should be. Life would get too heavy. Its fine to compliment or receive compliments, to do the small talk thing if your heart is in it, no strings attached. When you are in that place of love sending love honestly to another. I felt that tonight on the airplane in conversation with a strange briefly as we stood waiting for the lavatory. I felt the warmth coming from me and from her because I had just meditated and she picked up on it and complemented me on my flower blouse. It didn't even matter so much what she said as how she said it and the emotion flowing underneath that was authentic.

Finally, at the end of the day, when darkness is descending, I sigh out, realizing I have been holding my breath, hoping for this moment since I woke up this morning with high energy intensity coursing through my brain as assertively as the sun striking my pillow. Waiting for this moment at dusk when I can just be me.

Finishing up house sitting at Judy's. The barn had no water today so I had half a day off, which I so needed. It is such a gift to be given an extra 3 hours of quiet, reflective time in the heart of a busy week on a hot first day of summer. I am grateful. Every day, my body feels progressively better, healthier, more flexible. Rest does absolute miracles for it. Its so challenging being back from my vacation, not to get sucked into everything again. I did my first abstract painting last night. It had an angel ini t, a red cliff, a waterfall and energy moving. I did it in response to the question: "What is the next step?" I think I am all set and an angel is watching over me no matter what, that is the message regardless of the step.

Intentions for the first day of summer:
- to be mindful
- to be other oriented and giving
- pay attention to dreams
- to focus on what is here now that I love
- to pay attention to dreams
- to give back to community
- to be creative

Funnily enough, I just got contracted to do all the design work for The Santa Fe Film Festival. Funnily enough, its for a community oriented non-profit, will be highly creative, and the the theme of this year's festival is "Dream Awake"!!!

I am sitting in the living room at The Ranch. Room mates are playing music out on the front porch. The melodies are coming in with the breeze as I am writing. I'm grateful for my body. I'm in service to my body, not the other way around. Learning how my body is a wonderful pendulum for deciding what is good or not good for my soul. Its funny how when you totally give things up sometimes, its then that they come back to you, with your attitude being different. Not having an attitude of attachment or need. Unattached to the holding or to any acclaim, expectation or outcome, just the desire to let go and let flow ;) With my heart open and ready for love.

The guitar strings and the wind carry my emotions aloft. I can't stop thinking how lucky I am.