5/25
"If you dream or wish constantly of writing, training horses, traveling, going back to school, or becoming a clown, that dream is actually a treasure map that will lead you to the central theme of your life" (14, The Language of Emotions)
What do I wish and dream about most?
- Traveling and exploring, learning and seeing new places, experiencing new things
- Creating poetry, books, artwork and design pieces and making a living from that
- Developing healing abilities and serving community that way
- Loving and being loved
- Having a magical hideaway studio/farm/gettaway place in nature
A lot of the people I admire are spiritual teachers, poets, healers and artists.
5/30
I am so grateful - I saw Stephen Curtin, magic osteopathic doctor in Blue Hill Maine today. I feel way better, energy unblocked and flowing again. He said he could feel the impact of the concussion still stuck in my system. He says he helps about 5 people a month with concussion issues. They're pretty serious things. He said, that since my body was already compensating for minor scoliosis since childhood, the added concussion put it over the edge. I asked if my body would have sorted itself out on its own, and his answer way that probably not with something this serious - or it would take a long time without healing help from another. My jaw was a major key out of alignment, setting everything else off. I could really feel the energy shifting and releasing as he worked on me. I asked if I would be better now with out any more visits to a chiropractor and he said yes with absolute confidence. He spent a long time working on my diaphragm and then told me that he could tell I did not have a very robust first breath. I told him he was exactly right - I'd been born 6 weeks early, blue unable to breath through my nose because skin was still covering it! I can feel an ease in my deepness of breathing now too.
Its absolutely amazing to suddenly be able to reach down and touch my toes again after 4 months of not being able to because one leg had twisted an inch and a half shorter than the other. Now they are the same length again. I am grateful for this whole experience, the painful negative parts all the way to this healing for how it has made me ground into reality and the depths of myself and to have faith that I will fully return to my original blueprint.
6/2
My intention for this day is to dance and play and be aware and connected to the dance that life is. Givign up thoughts/feelings/planning/worries that cause heaviness, constriction in body that separate me from being connected to love, grace the universe. To hand it over and ask for help and to trust and have faith that the issue will be resolved.
6/3
Poets: Garrison Keeler, Billy Collins
Read poetry out loud.
Go to open mikes and poetry slams
dianerab.com
hamilton roads publishing
"Poetry is a story condensed down to the essentials"
What needs to be cared for and restored so I can ascend to the highest path of my dreams?
Pay attention to what makes you happy.
6/6
Second appt. with Stephen Curtain. Pieces of pain residue: left collarbone and shoulder bone, left side of neck when turned to the left, left hand bending back, right sacrum stiffness. Soreness in mid-right back. All minor compared to before last week's session. Stephen Curtin said horseback riding, yoga, hiking, all activity is good for me. That there is a lot of shifting and chaining going on in my body right now, that by december even my minor scoliosis could very well be gone. Why not? He says. Well, indeed, why not? I could feel a difference immediately during the session and upon walking away. I can sense clear, strong bounders returning in myself since the concussion. I can imagine a circle around the healing done today, protecting the work. I also feel a huge release and liscence for renewal both physically and spiritually. So much gratitude.
Jessica's comment that this back/concussion stuff is requiring me to be in my body and really aware of my body. So true.
6/7
People just present an image to other people that they have the perfect life. I had a very rejuvenating nap today. I like the rain at night time. Just not during the day. It has rained every day on my week vacation in Maine so far. I enjoy being connected to people who have passions and interests in their lives and who are following them. Despite my intentions and wish to be otherwise, I was sucked into a mess of dissatisfaction with my life the past few days. I do believe families are given to you for a reason. Soul agreements. What do they have to teach you? Its always hard, things come out, when I go home despite my best effort to the contrary. Happens to everyone.
Paying attention to and noticing the messages. There are messages every day, but often we ignore them. This fear, apprehension, anxiety, weight over my head that I'm not performing adequately, not being all I "should" be right now. Where is this "should" coming from. Get rid of it. What to do about it other than be aware of it? Plenty of rest and setting healthy boundaries. The questions become so much easier to fathom when I direct them back to my soul work and not ego centered agenda. How many times have I heard, "Its not about getting there, its about the journey?" I'm grateful for this journey and for peeling back layers of the onion.
6/8
In spiritual direction and guidance the idea of art spirituality, a whole field to be developed.
Art is prayer.
It goes both ways - I am praying through my art and poetry and the divine is expressing itself back. There is a meeting in the middle.
Using creative expression to invite people to relate to themselves and the divine in a new way.
Engaging with creativity allows us to turn down the critical voice sometimes.
Example using the non-dominant hand in art, a surrendering of control, allowing another to come into the mix.
- draw or paint or use clay to convey you image of the divine, and then your image of how the divine sees me. Go where you can go. Through the door that can be opened now. And more doors will open.
Sometimes it just takes time. Its about the process. Trusting in the process even the parts that don't seem to be getting you anywhere right now. As soon as you can distance yourself from that acting out part of yourself, that part is not in control any more.
What is my acting out face and what triggers it?
- when I'm not happy with myself, that's when I get envious of others and think the grass is greener on the other side. Wanting to feel more special than someone else. Choosing relations with people who are not as happy with themselves when I'm not happy with myself or choosing relationships with people who are wounded and need to be rescued when I am feeling this way myself.
6/12
In Chicago. When I was at the concert after a stressful kayaking trip where our kayaks almost sunk in the Chicago River, I asked myself, How do I get back to the peaceful place and be here in the moment at this concert and not back in the sinking boat? I got the answer to imagine/feel my soul sending love and receiving love from the other souls in the room. It was a beautiful thing to imaging and feel. And it worked. End my role as the rescuer. I feel like I am in a cocoon just about with my old self dissolving, nearly dissolved, but not quite yet, and my new self unknown, but in whispers that I can only trust that it will grow and come to be even though I cannot see it yet!
"Make peace with your lack of knowing, and trust that place fiercely" (110, Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft)
Dream Work, 3 types:
1) representational of real life
2) representational of the dream
3) representational of gods/archetypes/messages to the ego to help dissolve it or get beyond a blockage to soul growth, soul speaking to ego
Cathy gave me such a wonderful compliment today. She said I have a way of walking in beauty that comes out through my poetry and art!
It think I have learned so much about myself on this 2 week vacation to Maine and Chicago. A friend in Chicago asked me why I chose to study design. A good question looking back at it now. My answer to him:
- desire to make the world more beautiful
- desire to help communicate meaningful, educational, inspirational messages to people
- curiosity for what I could create and discover
- love for creativity, beauty, meaning
What I did in 2 weeks in Chicago and Maine doesn't so much matter. As what I carry with me from the experience. The encounters with people and events that touched my journey and touched their journey, nudging my awareness deeper. Whenever I return to my childhood home, the old wounds are inevitably triggered. I leave with a better understanding and compassion for what my wounds are and what triggers them. How I feel envious when I'm not listening or connected to my heart. The more I can see that acting out as not the essential me, the faster it will pass.
Meaningful conversation is not just in the words of the conversation, its in the expression. Not every conversation is going to be deep and not all should be. Life would get too heavy. Its fine to compliment or receive compliments, to do the small talk thing if your heart is in it, no strings attached. When you are in that place of love sending love honestly to another. I felt that tonight on the airplane in conversation with a strange briefly as we stood waiting for the lavatory. I felt the warmth coming from me and from her because I had just meditated and she picked up on it and complemented me on my flower blouse. It didn't even matter so much what she said as how she said it and the emotion flowing underneath that was authentic.
6/19
Finally, at the end of the day, when darkness is descending, I sigh out, realizing I have been holding my breath, hoping for this moment since I woke up this morning with high energy intensity coursing through my brain as assertively as the sun striking my pillow. Waiting for this moment at dusk when I can just be me.
6/20
Finishing up house sitting at Judy's. The barn had no water today so I had half a day off, which I so needed. It is such a gift to be given an extra 3 hours of quiet, reflective time in the heart of a busy week on a hot first day of summer. I am grateful. Every day, my body feels progressively better, healthier, more flexible. Rest does absolute miracles for it. Its so challenging being back from my vacation, not to get sucked into everything again. I did my first abstract painting last night. It had an angel ini t, a red cliff, a waterfall and energy moving. I did it in response to the question: "What is the next step?" I think I am all set and an angel is watching over me no matter what, that is the message regardless of the step.
Intentions for the first day of summer:
- to be mindful
- to be other oriented and giving
- pay attention to dreams
- to focus on what is here now that I love
- to pay attention to dreams
- to give back to community
- to be creative
6/27
Funnily enough, I just got contracted to do all the design work for The Santa Fe Film Festival. Funnily enough, its for a community oriented non-profit, will be highly creative, and the the theme of this year's festival is "Dream Awake"!!!
I am sitting in the living room at The Ranch. Room mates are playing music out on the front porch. The melodies are coming in with the breeze as I am writing. I'm grateful for my body. I'm in service to my body, not the other way around. Learning how my body is a wonderful pendulum for deciding what is good or not good for my soul. Its funny how when you totally give things up sometimes, its then that they come back to you, with your attitude being different. Not having an attitude of attachment or need. Unattached to the holding or to any acclaim, expectation or outcome, just the desire to let go and let flow ;) With my heart open and ready for love.
The guitar strings and the wind carry my emotions aloft. I can't stop thinking how lucky I am.
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