Deeper Than Indigo

Our touch,

Is Kelp,

Caressed by Ocean Waves.

Our embrace,

Is how a boat feels,

In the sea.

Our eyes meeting,

Is the tide,

Drawn toward shore.

The only direction,

Worth exploring,

Is deep.

Thank you for keeping,

My heart diving,
Alongside yours.

The Journey

How many stars,
Descend during daylight?
Going unnoticed,
This side of Earth?

Not any less
Than commets in darkness,
When coyotes are calling,
Dogs to wildness.

You are trying your best,
To fight gravity.
Forgetting in your
Fancy of flight,

That eggs are laid,
In nests and ground,
And stars fall and shine
Regardless all around.

Inner Space

The end of one plane,
Receding into dreams,
Bringing the new.
Are you ready to lead?

Bicycle spokes, black books,
Feather pillows, keyboard strokes,
Writing notes to faraway folks,
What do you wish to know?

The drive inside,
Who is driving?
The snow outside,
Who is snowing?

The coming and going,
Of the muse.
Who is controlling?
Who is holding?

Just a brake please,
From the gas.
Just a breath please,
Between the last.

Just a moment please,
To trust the process,
To feel the track
Slow, not fast.

To see the footprints,
In the back,
And, ahead, emptiness,
From the pack.

To create universally,
From the stillness of mist,
To relate to starlight,
From the lava flow.

And bring the glow,
To warm the earth,
That is the tip,
Of what she asks.

(written dec 11)

Love and Gratitude Journal Notes from 9/9/12

More notes and reflections from "Calling in the One" book:

"Gratitude shifts our perception from what we don't have to what we do have"

"When getting to know new people, remain neutral yet receptive until you have all the information you need to see more clearly what they have to offer. You want to learn how much someone has to give by watching how they show up in life. Are they consistent? Do they share similar values and concerns? Do they balance and compliment you well? Are they available to love? Do they do what they say they are going to do? Are they sensitive and considerate toward you and others?

"Taking risks means taking actions that are outside of your comfort zone"

I love this quote:
"The way you have been living is what has produced the life you now have."

I intend to take actions and make choices based on my desire to continually push the envelope of who I know myself and the world to be. I dedicate myself to learning and cultivating the ability to give and receive love and to deepen my awareness. I want to give beauty to the world through the way I relate to the world and what/how I create in the world. I am committed to being the best I am capable of being. This means being loving: giving and receiving love to everyone I meet to the best of my ability in that moment - not because I expect, feel entitled to/demand or hope for anything in return but simply because that's the best that I can be. I intend to listen to my heart. I intend to be creative and create out of that space of love for myself and the world.

"You will have wonderful surges forward. Then there will be a time of consolidating before the next surge forward. Accept this as part of the process. And never become downtrodden." - Eileen Caddy

"Be. Then Do. Then Have."

"We have to "act as if" we love ourselves and love is abundantly fulfilled in our lives."

"99% of all creation takes place beneath the soil. As the farmer who has planted the crops does not go out into his garden in an effort to force them to grow, we wait. What is yours will come to you."

What are the qualities that you long for in a life partner?
I'm open. I don't want to define him and I don't want him to define me. Someone who is also sharing his intention to love and be loved. Who wants to be all that he can be. Whose beauty of spirit light up his beauty of being. Who is in love with life and shares that joy/infuses that joy in others. Who is in touch with himself and who has the courage to take risks and leaps and does what he talks of doing and is committed to deepening his awareness of himself. Someone for who I can be a launchpad for and someone who can be a launch pad for me when the time is right. We will meet when we have done all we can do on our solo self-growth paths and the next step can only be "we." Also, I commit to do date only those people who appear to have these traits and refrain from dating those who do not. For all those traits that I long for in another, I commit to cultivating them in myself first.

Affirmation: "Who I am is love. And I am attracting the love of my life in this very moment. I am already connected deeply to my life partner and I receive that partner now."

Love and Forgiveness Journal Notes from 9/5/12

Notes, reflections and quotes from the book "calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Listening to my heart will in turn strengthen my ability to listen to others.

"Magic, syncronicities, connectedness only happen when one is fully present and available to what is so, and not preoccupied with what is not."

What do I think are the qualities of love?:
kindness, respect, generosity, giving, receiving, gratitude, openness, acceptance, flexibility, tolerance, compassion, unassumingness, non-judgmental, both/and thinking, appreciative, peace, in touch, grounded, joyful, patience, empathy, passion, aliveness, honesty, truth, attentiveness/listening, helpful, awareness, centered, playful/fun-loving, curious, child-like, inclusive/bringing together, creativity, richness/fullness, responsiveness, sharing

"When you do come across irritating situations, ask your heart what love would do. Stretch yourself to become the most loving version of yourself possible by doing that which you believe love would do in that moment"

"Explore the needs and wants of your partner and treat each other's needs as though they were your own"

"Must be a strong 'me' in order to be a strong 'we'"

"Functional families allow for the individuality of each member. People are free to express their needs, wants and feelings."

What is my attitude toward marriage?
Open

What is it about marriage that I might want?
To share the journey of deepening one's awareness of self with another and to be mutually challenged , supported, nurtured, respected, encouraged, helped in an intentionally sacred space and union where each of us feels safe enough to do that and to be vulnerable with one another. That we meet in the maybe zone as much as possible.

What is it about marriage that I might fear?
That it becomes too rigid, defined as yes and no. I don't really fear much actually. Maybe feeling limited to grow and deepen and express myself creatively. The fear of merging overly with the other to the extent of loosing myself and my creative focus.

"Deep wounds require more than 1 pass at forgiveness before they can be truly healed. Forgiveness is more of a process than an event. An ongoing practice. True forgiveness is an expression of the heart that must be arrived at honestly and organically. Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life - to allow life to live through you. When it comes to forgiving ourselves, we must note that it is really our ego, our false and fragile self that becomes indignant by our mistakes."

"The wise forgive, but do not forget"

This One is For You

Butterfly siamese twins,

Two bodies merged,

Each with our own

Side of kaleidoscope wings.

Moving in unison,

To the ocean’s ebb and flow,

To the moon’s tidal pull,

To planetary floods and lulls.

There are rainbows I exclaim,

And lions with sequined manes,

On Sacrificial slabs,

Like Aslan.

There are purple thunderclouds,

Laced with lightening,

Electrically battling,

Across florescent skies.

Our tent births a teepee,

Outlined in stick figures,

Who transform into elephants,

Wearing gold-plated armor,

And parading across time.

You notice them too,

Traveling from India to Egypt,

As pharaoh and concubine.

How many masks to kiss?

Forest elf to prostitute,

Count to magician,

Aged to ageless?

Down to the cords,

Stripped to the skeleton.

Love can absorb Janus,

Looks adorn the surface.

Your voice holds the focus,

The generous soul, the kindness.

It is Energy that binds us,

And finds us whole.

Expansiveness

What do you do,

When opportunities leap at you,

Like flying fish?

How do you know,

Which ones are too small for you,

Best to let go of?

Or, which ones will grow you,Stronger, wiser, deeper, freer?

Into the next chapter,

Rather than the last level again?

You listen, my dear,

You wait for clearance.

Sometimes, those wanted pieces,

Arrive late and past due.

And you have already moved,

Beyond, and choosing them,

Places limits on wingspreads,

And boxes on blooms.

Create space in your heart,

For the biggest move.

What I Always Want:

To be in a state

Of sparkles on water,

A state of ice-skate freedom,

A state of golden grains of sand

Encircling toes spread wide,

In the whole of it,

The thick of it,

While knowing it.

As heels go from digging in

To feeling lifted upward, 

Seeing the beauty in,

The shifting constant.

The bridge spanning,

The heart and the mind,

Holding the tension between

Falling and flying.

Fathomless depths to discover

About the other that is I.

The loneliness expanding out,

To the crevice, the precipice,

The Soul Wolf kind,

The guides in the abyss,

Who are verified so strongly

When searching for the missed.

And staying, still,

In a state of bliss.

The Third Day of Fasting (from 7/29/12)

Divine love.
For the chainsaws, the unwanted machines.
Divine love.
For the cow's jurassic bellows.
Divine Love for the chaos.
For Divine Love is in it too.
Divine Love.
For the transient silence.
For the birdsong.
For the chipmunk chatter.
Divine Love is the sun on my back.
Is the piling of timber,
And the engines resuming their attack.
Divine Love,
Is the pine bowing over my body,
Ushering me into this not-knowing phase.
Divine Love,
Is the intuition to stay.
To let grace into this place.

Camping on the Chama (written 6/30/12)

How quiet the night,
Spent in the tent,
On riverbank and moonlight,
Rising to sunspeak and birdsong,
Lying down on earth and ant work,
A floating family of geese,
Coming to rest when water slows.
Loose leaf tea thoughts,
Flowing downstream too.
Me, unseen, but observing.
Weaving space for todays gifts,
Both giving and receiving.

Poem to the Child (written 6/6/12)

I grew up building rose-tinted towers
To peer at the outside from.
I grew up with a blind sage for a father,
And a mother who painted
The World in strokes of color.
My Life ran on make believe,
Fueling more efficiently than gasoline.
Foggy days in summer time,
Blizzards in winter wonderland,
Turning wet tree stumps
Into magician playmates,
Mossy beards and mystery hands.
The prompt is fading fast,
Whenever I'm not dreaming.
To honor the dreams of dreams
Of the child from my past.

Poem (written 5/23/12)

An eclipse occurred.
And I missed it.
Totally slipped my mind.
I was talking to my sister.
Catching up with her.
On college life.
Signing off soon.
On truth and honor too,
And attunement to emotions.

Now darkness blankets desert.
Moths crash again window pane,
Straining for the light.
Midnight kitty purrs contendedly,
Beside me as I write.

What must be left behind?
What does not support this space?
A shift in motion, time and place.
Happiness seems a transient state,
Set on future arrivals.
I let clinging to it
pass amid the upheaval
of moth wings on glass.

I leave behind the people
Who wear masks.
I drop my own.
I discard 7 stones,
So I can step across the water.
I watch the mask float off,
Past laughing river otters.

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams August 201...

8/5
"Whenever we enter into a relationship for anything less than to love and be loved, it can't sustain us" (12)

"When we disown qualities that we have within us, we are often attracted to people who are expressing those very same qualities." (15)

8/14
Dharma talk:
When we're relaxed or absorbed in activity, there is very little sense of self, of me, of desire for the next thing.

Spiritual practice is a series of mistakes.

Desire at its roots comes from the longing for happiness. A knowing that something better is possible, spiritual urgency and wisdom.

Desire focused on awareness and awakening is a diff. kind of energy that involves channeling wisdom.

chanda - whole desire, takes us toward more lasting happiness and connection

Desire with intent and discrimination leads to release, non attachment and waking up.

Desire not to be, to numb out is an aversion. An aversion to yourself. It can masquerade as pseudo spiritual. A way of protection, but also a prison. Both very much concerned and preoccupied with the self.

8/15
Doors open more than once. Things come around again and again. There is not just one chance to do something you are meant to do and experience in this life. Maybe the first time something came toward you, you felt the pull to do it, but you weren't quite there yet, obviously. Sometimes, it takes something coming around a 2nd or 3rd time for you to recognize it as worth the next step or leap. It seems a little more familiar, a little more accessible, or that much more urgently calling you and you that much more urgently listening! (2am wide awake journaling)

It was the right thing to be doing at the right time until right now. Because, right now, suddenly, I have outgrown it! And to stay further would be a limitation, a liability to my soul and growth rather than a stretching and growth of my ego. To recognize this meaning is such a gift.

8/18
My intention is to release anything blocking my creativity. My intention is to be creative and pay attention to dreams. Letting go of the horse job is a start. Letting go of living at the ranch and moving into Lisa's is another step. My intention is to attract people, situations, things into my life that encourage, promote and nourish my creativity and give me more outlets to apply it.

What do I love to do?
- Bring people together
- listen to, talk and get to know people
- be kind and loving and considerate to people
- bring elements together that seem disparate to create beauty in design, relationships, life

8/21
Right now, I don't know what next job is best for me. I trust that it will present itself when the time is right and I will be paying attention when it does. I have all that I need for everything I need for the time being.

8/28
A friend brought up the term "Flexibly tracked' this week. I like it. Similar to what I've been saying about "holding space."

Prioritize time and set boundaries. Be purposeful about both. Do what is conducive to creative work (often that means leaving space and time totally free and open to become!)

8/30
I just finished reading a most powerful book that a friend lent me, called, "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. At first I though it had such a cheesy title until I realized the profoundness. The book is not about calling in your one true love, prince charming, blah blah blah. Its about calling in the one in yourself. And how that love already exists in each of us. I realized that all of the things I would want in a partner, I must first recognize in myself. All of the things I want in my partner are also things I want myself to be up to the standards of! The book is a 7 week course of journaling, meditating, reflecting, and exercises to release boundaries you have to the love in yourself. I spent seven weeks with the book, but I didn't do it all in order or all of the exercises, since I felt like I've already been working on some of them or done them before. In the very last chapter of the book, the exercise then asks you to visualize who you see yourself with and what you see yourself doing. It was really fun to visualize and write. No expectations, but a knowing that its already within me so I already have it. I'll put it out here nonetheless: I see myself with poetry, books and design/art work out in the public sphere. I seem myself helping and healing others through communication, listening, helping them find their own intuition and access to their own heart's voice. I see myself traveling the world in support of these services/gifts. I see myself building community. Web builder. I see myself living near water eventually, the ocean and mountains. I see myself in love and fully loved. I see us with a child. I see myself consulting with and listening to my own intuition, body and emotional wisdom and helping others do the same. I see myself partnered with a man who compliments and supports my vision and I his vision. A man who has his own vision and who is following it. But our visions are on the same path and we can help each other grow and be all we can be. I see a kind, generous, open, warm-hearted man who is gentle on himself and on me. I see us communicating with integrity and intuition. This man adores me and I could not love him any more without my heart bursting into 1000 pieces. We give each other the space we each need to do our individual work while sharing a life vision together.

8/31
August full moon gathering notes
To feel free - that's what we all want. That means not defining and not wanting others to define me.
It takes 21 days to build a habit. Every 30 days, shed a habit you don't want.
The love for the work driving the work.
There is a lot of unpaved earth in NM. That's one reason why we all love it!
To trust.
To ask out loud. The shift happening on cellular levels.
Living our life purpose...And what do I believe about my life purpose? What I believe is supported in my action.
The beliefe of loving myself is that much to push through the fear and do it.
Everything we want is on the other side of fear. Those things we fear, we can use as a tool, indicator, compass for our life purpose. Go to the fear. The monster we expected is usually not on the other side!
Relationships:
You just have to be in it. No box. Needs space to bloom like a flower. No absolute yes and no absolute no. Must be able to meet in the middle. (holding that tension, flexibly tracked again).
Picture a line with a yes on one end and a no on the other and a dot for meeting in the middle. And hold the space for uncertainty, trusting the liminal middle ground.

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams July 201...

7/4
"To enact a vision quest is to clear a space" (213, Soul Craft)

"...To quest is to honor a fallow time in our spiritual lives, an emptiness into which something utterly new and generative might enter."

"Ceremonial descent to find our own soul image and derive deeper clarity regarding the purpose and meaning of our life.

Read Yeat's book "A Vision"

The thought, the longing, just exploded in my mind for some reason reading those words. How I want someone to share this journey with!

7/7
From Full Body Prescence:
"When we are focused on a future goal or expectation, the act of judging whether we've reached that goal or not separates us from the actual experience of the present moment." (56)

7/11
My intuition, my body, my emotions. Such an incredible resource. I am so grateful for them. I am more comfortable with myself now, tapping into these resources, than I have ever been in my adult life. Even though life and situations have been uncomfortable this year, I am increasingly more comfortable with myself, my soul, who I am and with the unknowing of who I am becoming.

7/27
What can I shed from my last chapter of life in order to better serve? The mask you wear. The one that hides how bright, radiant and spiritual you really are. Why have I been wearing it? To blend in and not be noticed, to not cause conflict or unwanted attention, to be nice and appropriate. Now you have the opportunity and the courage and the greater longing for authenticity, you have the ability to explain and the resilience to not care what others think of you so you can take off the mask now. And be authentically you and therefore authentically represent me.

7/28
dreams
talked to a squirrel. Asked it what its message was: you are not alone. All shall be well. Do not worry. Do not control or hold. Do not possess the disowning as your creation. I feel so sad tonight. Lonely. Why is it so hard to be connected? Why do the days feel so long? Remember, love yourself as is where you are at now. Messages:
- trust intuition even when you don't like what it says
- hold space, not getting attached to any one thing
- trust my ability to connect with healthy resources
- love myself where I am and trust that unknowing (recurring!)
- set bounderies
- be less timid/agreeable and more assertive/confident (embrace masculine side)
- slow down, cut back and simplify. Be discerning about my activities and who I spend time with

7/29
I've come to appreciate more and more the tears and sadness when it comes. I haven't had much of it since June. I think so much released Dec - June. With the start of summer, there was a passing. But I'm more okay with the downswings and the upswings both now. I think I'm on an upswing again now. It is equally challenging to not hold on to the upswing as it is to accept the downswing!! Now I have to practice the unattachement where as before I'd just started feeling more comfortable about the not resisting the down times! Oh life :)

7/30
The name Malidome Some floating in my mind upon awakening this morning. The final day of no food in 4. End fast. How wonderful food is and how wonderful my body for accepting so well after 4 days, amazing!

7/31
Notes from an article on Gandi's life:
- Eat simply and in small dishes
- Accumulate less, declutter things you don't need or use
- simplify what you do and how much
- let your life be your message

Bits and Pieces from The Summer of Dreams June 2012

5/25
"If you dream or wish constantly of writing, training horses, traveling, going back to school, or becoming a clown, that dream is actually a treasure map that will lead you to the central theme of your life" (14, The Language of Emotions)

What do I wish and dream about most?
- Traveling and exploring, learning and seeing new places, experiencing new things
- Creating poetry, books, artwork and design pieces and making a living from that
- Developing healing abilities and serving community that way
- Loving and being loved
- Having a magical hideaway studio/farm/gettaway place in nature

A lot of the people I admire are spiritual teachers, poets, healers and artists.

5/30
I am so grateful - I saw Stephen Curtin, magic osteopathic doctor in Blue Hill Maine today. I feel way better, energy unblocked and flowing again. He said he could feel the impact of the concussion still stuck in my system. He says he helps about 5 people a month with concussion issues. They're pretty serious things. He said, that since my body was already compensating for minor scoliosis since childhood, the added concussion put it over the edge. I asked if my body would have sorted itself out on its own, and his answer way that probably not with something this serious - or it would take a long time without healing help from another. My jaw was a major key out of alignment, setting everything else off. I could really feel the energy shifting and releasing as he worked on me. I asked if I would be better now with out any more visits to a chiropractor and he said yes with absolute confidence. He spent a long time working on my diaphragm and then told me that he could tell I did not have a very robust first breath. I told him he was exactly right - I'd been born 6 weeks early, blue unable to breath through my nose because skin was still covering it! I can feel an ease in my deepness of breathing now too.

Its absolutely amazing to suddenly be able to reach down and touch my toes again after 4 months of not being able to because one leg had twisted an inch and a half shorter than the other. Now they are the same length again. I am grateful for this whole experience, the painful negative parts all the way to this healing for how it has made me ground into reality and the depths of myself and to have faith that I will fully return to my original blueprint.

6/2
My intention for this day is to dance and play and be aware and connected to the dance that life is.  Givign up thoughts/feelings/planning/worries that cause heaviness, constriction in body that separate me from being connected to love, grace the universe. To hand it over and ask for help and to trust and have faith that the issue will be resolved.

6/3
Poets: Garrison Keeler, Billy Collins
Read poetry out loud.
Go to open mikes and poetry slams
dianerab.com
hamilton roads publishing
"Poetry is a story condensed down to the essentials"

What needs to be cared for and restored so I can ascend to the highest path of my dreams?
Pay attention to what makes you happy.

6/6
Second appt. with Stephen Curtain. Pieces of pain residue: left collarbone and shoulder bone, left side of neck when turned to the left, left hand bending back, right sacrum stiffness. Soreness in mid-right back. All minor compared to before last week's session. Stephen Curtin said horseback riding, yoga, hiking, all activity is good for me. That there is a lot of shifting and chaining going on in my body right now, that by december even my minor scoliosis could very well be gone. Why not? He says. Well, indeed, why not? I could feel a difference immediately during the session and upon walking away. I can sense clear, strong bounders returning in myself since the concussion. I can imagine a circle around the healing done today, protecting the work. I also feel a huge release and liscence for renewal both physically and spiritually. So much gratitude.

Jessica's comment that this back/concussion stuff is requiring me to be in my body and really aware of my body. So true.

6/7
People just present an image to other people that they have the perfect life. I had a very rejuvenating nap today. I like the rain at night time. Just not during the day. It has rained every day on my week vacation in Maine so far. I enjoy being connected to people who have passions and interests in their lives and who are following them. Despite my intentions and wish to be otherwise, I was sucked into a mess of dissatisfaction with my life the past few days. I do believe families are given to you for a reason. Soul agreements. What do they have to teach you? Its always hard, things come out, when I go home despite my best effort to the contrary. Happens to everyone.

Paying attention to and noticing the messages. There are messages every day, but often we ignore them. This fear, apprehension, anxiety, weight over my head that I'm not performing adequately, not being all I "should" be right now. Where is this "should" coming from. Get rid of it. What to do about it other than be aware of it? Plenty of rest and setting healthy boundaries. The questions become so much easier to fathom when I direct them back to my soul work and not ego centered agenda. How many times have I heard, "Its not about getting there, its about the journey?" I'm grateful for this journey and for peeling back layers of the onion.

6/8
In spiritual direction and guidance the idea of art spirituality, a whole field to be developed.
Art is prayer.
It goes both ways - I am praying through my art and poetry and the divine is expressing itself back. There is a meeting in the middle.
Using creative expression to invite people to relate to themselves and the divine in a  new way.
Engaging with creativity allows us to turn down the critical voice sometimes.
Example using the non-dominant hand in art, a surrendering of control, allowing another to come into the mix.
- draw or paint or use clay to convey you image of the divine, and then your image of how the divine sees me. Go where you can go. Through the door that can be opened now. And more doors will open.

Sometimes it just takes time. Its about the process. Trusting in the process even the parts that don't seem to be getting you anywhere right now. As soon as you can distance yourself from that acting out part of yourself, that part is not in control any more.

What is my acting out face and what triggers it?
- when I'm not happy with myself, that's when I get envious of others and think the grass is greener on the other side. Wanting to feel more special than someone else. Choosing relations with people who are not as happy with themselves when I'm not happy with myself or choosing relationships with people who are wounded and need to be rescued when I am feeling this way myself.

6/12
In Chicago. When I was at the concert after a stressful kayaking trip where our kayaks almost sunk in the Chicago River, I asked myself, How do I get back to the peaceful place and be here in the moment at this concert and not back in the sinking boat? I got the answer to imagine/feel my soul sending love and receiving love from the other souls in the room. It was a beautiful thing to imaging and feel. And it worked. End my role as the rescuer. I feel like I am in a cocoon just about with my old self dissolving, nearly dissolved, but not quite yet, and my new self unknown, but in whispers that I can only trust that it will grow and come to be even though I cannot see it yet!

"Make peace with your lack of knowing, and trust that place fiercely" (110, Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft)

Dream Work, 3 types:
1) representational of real life
2) representational of the dream
3) representational of gods/archetypes/messages to the ego to help dissolve it or get beyond a blockage to soul growth, soul speaking to ego

Cathy gave me such a wonderful compliment today. She said I have a way of walking in beauty that comes out through my poetry and art!

It think I have learned so much about myself on this 2 week vacation to Maine and Chicago. A friend in Chicago asked me why I chose to study design. A good question looking back at it now. My answer to him:
- desire to make the world more beautiful
- desire to help communicate meaningful, educational, inspirational messages to people
- curiosity for what I could create and discover
- love for creativity, beauty, meaning

What I did in 2 weeks in Chicago and Maine doesn't so much matter. As what I carry with me from the experience. The encounters with people and events that touched my journey and touched their journey, nudging my awareness deeper. Whenever I return to my childhood home, the old wounds are inevitably triggered. I leave with a better understanding and compassion for what my wounds are and what triggers them. How I feel envious when I'm not listening or connected to my heart. The more I can see that acting out as not the essential me, the faster it will pass.

Meaningful conversation is not just in the words of the conversation, its in the expression. Not every conversation is going to be deep and not all should be. Life would get too heavy. Its fine to compliment or receive compliments, to do the small talk thing if your heart is in it, no strings attached. When you are in that place of love sending love honestly to another. I felt that tonight on the airplane in conversation with a strange briefly as we stood waiting for the lavatory. I felt the warmth coming from me and from her because I had just meditated and she picked up on it and complemented me on my flower blouse. It didn't even matter so much what she said as how she said it and the emotion flowing underneath that was authentic.

6/19
Finally, at the end of the day, when darkness is descending, I sigh out, realizing I have been holding my breath, hoping for this moment since I woke up this morning with high energy intensity coursing through my brain as assertively as the sun striking my pillow. Waiting for this moment at dusk when I can just be me.

6/20
Finishing up house sitting at Judy's. The barn had no water today so I had half a day off, which I so needed. It is such a gift to be given an extra 3 hours of quiet, reflective time in the heart of a busy week on a hot first day of summer. I am grateful. Every day, my body feels progressively better, healthier, more flexible. Rest does absolute miracles for it. Its so challenging being back from my vacation, not to get sucked into everything again. I did my first abstract painting last night. It had an angel ini t, a red cliff, a waterfall and energy moving. I did it in response to the question: "What is the next step?" I think I am all set and an angel is watching over me no matter what, that is the message regardless of the step.

Intentions for the first day of summer:
- to be mindful
- to be other oriented and giving
- pay attention to dreams
- to focus on what is here now that I love
- to pay attention to dreams
- to give back to community
- to be creative

6/27
Funnily enough, I just got contracted to do all the design work for The Santa Fe Film Festival. Funnily enough, its for a community oriented non-profit, will be highly creative, and the the theme of this year's festival is "Dream Awake"!!!

I am sitting in the living room at The Ranch. Room mates are playing music out on the front porch. The melodies are coming in with the breeze as I am writing. I'm grateful for my body. I'm in service to my body, not the other way around. Learning how my body is a wonderful pendulum for deciding what is good or not good for my soul. Its funny how when you totally give things up sometimes, its then that they come back to you, with your attitude being different. Not having an attitude of attachment or need. Unattached to the holding or to any acclaim, expectation or outcome, just the desire to let go and let flow ;) With my heart open and ready for love.

The guitar strings and the wind carry my emotions aloft. I can't stop thinking how lucky I am.

Fall of Glory

An opportunity,
A slick cycle year later,
To do it over differently,
Holding the tension of opposites,
Knowing what I know now:
The infinite vastness
Of what I really don't know.
Knowing, though, that love,
Is already with-in me.
Knowing the Freedom
In intentionality,
Listening intently to
The birdsong lightness,
Easy to miss it,
Of the heartbeat voice,
The ancient one at the core
Of us and of Earth at our feet,
We can frequent its frequency,
Bigger than the moon,
And smaller than the molecule,
Quicker than sound,
And slower than "soon" feels,
When I'm longing for you.

Canyonlands

Sitting atop an island of rock,

Overlooking Canyonlands National park,

The sunset firing-line behind me,

Panoramic, make-my-heart-sing views,

The third solo sojourn with the muse,

That clears my head of nonsense,

Gives me space to decompress,

Sun-warmed skin to rest my cheek against,

Moonstone manicure chipping off,

Softly slipping into moonless night,

The message: Return and create the light,

Mushroom-cap soldiers calling songs of me,

Out of hiding into wholeness.

Expansive horizon yawning,

Look at you taking your time,

We are well past the age of dinosaurs, mind.

The leap is yours for the making,

Into the land of magic-breathing lungs,

Exhaling violet sand dunes into thin air,

Spun out from the heart's deepest lair.

Something that I Love

Rose's lavender drifts by my bed,
The fan lifts air through the room,
An icepack hides my injured foot.
I've only experience and imagination
at my side.

I woud ride a dragon if I could,
and stroke his belly with the wind.
I would travel from the center
of my body to the center of the world
with him.

I would look his insight in the eyes
and never question dreams again.
Crimson, gold and unbearably undefined,
He would cry a single tear –
cradling all of mine.

Flow

From 5/13/12
I feel really content and happy right now, grounded, here, not wanting to be anywhere else. I like that I have the next few days with no plans after work and just the quiet time to myself.

When there are not back to back plans, things can flow the way they would naturally. Sometimes, plans can become like culverts and dams trying to shore up and direct the river. Of course, the water's headed for the sea regardless, but it becomes sucked dry by all the demands of plans, so filled with toxins and trash of overactivity, distraction, expectation and consumption that its flow is not so beautiful or natural, respected and sacred. Until it does not flow.

I know now how important it is to create space and give space, precisely so I am not confining my soul's journey. Being able to create this space and to yearn more for this space than for the addictions and stimulations requires a faith and a trust in what the space will become, or what will become in the space, or what will simply be in the space. It is this intention of giving and creating space, of having faith in the space of becoming, that is so vital!!!

I wish to create a book of poetry and art that pays homage to space and its flow. That helps me be in the space as I make it and help others be in the space as they read and experience the content. This is my current work in progress:

How can images rhyme? How can images and layout of create rhythm to mirror the poetry of words? These are some of my questions.

Criteria:
- Image-making will involve canvas of water (water in a dish in which I can manipulate and place objects on), photography, scanning and photomontaging
- Images will be made custom in response to the poetry I have been writing over the past year, ideally first gut responses, little editing

Objective:
- To create rhythm, rhyme, and poetic elements with imagery and text (cadence, space, pauses, repetition, beat, consistency, etc)
- To create an experience of space, flow, air, water, fire, and earth

This idea and all within it are created in this space of becoming time :)

House Sitting 2 Black Labs

Dogs tear at rawhide,
Seemingly, utterly, preoccupied,
Until the instant I arise,
From futon to entryway,
Suddenly, all attentions on me,
Two black bodies shadow mine,
Intently fixated as magnets to metal,
For food? For tennis balls?
For the sake of security?
For faith or lack there of?
For fear of loss? For walks?
With hope for love?
For naught, the instant I sit again,
They are asleep at my feet.

Road Trip to Tuscon

From 4/27-4/30

Day 1, Friday, April 27th
Took off early after work - 2:30 - and made it to Big Lake, Sitgreave National Forest Campground in the White Mountains of Arizona (over the state line from New Mexico's Gila Wildnerness). Elk raised their heads as I ascended to their golden meadows from the desert. I set up camp just before dusk - 8:30pm here.

Day 2, Saturday, April 28th
I began the day with the sun and a 3 hour hike on Mt. Baldy Trail # 95, shortly past my campground on Big Lake. Wow! What a diverse hike - from meadow and tall pines, along a stream, up steep terrain and wrinkly giant boulders, up into snow, and snow peaked mountains. Absoultely stunning. I meditated at the top for 20 minutes, then back down.

Then I began my circuitous route to Tuscon, across 260 and down the tremendous descent of Salt Canyon into my first saguaro cacti sightings, skirting phoenix entirely, and heading south on 77. The biosphere 2 was just closing at 4pm so I didn't make it in. I checked out the Original Buffalo Exchange before arriving at my couch surfer's place nearby. My couch surfer, a yoga instructor, was out of town, but she left me the key hidden and her room! One of her room mate's was home, a graphic designer also. We enjoyed sharing each other's work. Interesting guy - he'd lived in NYC for 5 years working at a publishing house before getting burnt out, moving to AZ and spending 6 months in a Buddhist Monestary in southern AZ then moving to Tuscon. I went to bed early since I knew the next day would be full-on exploration.

Day 3, Sunday, April 29th
Tuscon is just a cool beautiful and charming city. Love at first site like it was for me with Santa Fe. By 7am, I was driving around the Saguaro National Park East. Lucky for me, all the parks were free this particular weekend! And many of the cacti were in bloom. I passed lots of Tusconans running, biking and pushing baby carriages along the scenic road. The majority seemed to be active, tan, fit and friendly - and proud of their city and happy to talk to me about it. I met a woman from NH who had relocated here 20 years ago and absolutely adored Tuscon, even the summer, which she said was her favorite season because she loves the heat. Upon her directions and the recommendation of a friend, I was soon on a 3 hour hike around Sabino Canyon. Absolutely gorgeous. By noon, I was resting in meditation in the chapel at the Degrazia Gallery in the sun, feeling a little like I was in Barcelona again.

Then I drove 9 miles south of Tuscon to see the gorgeous 1783 Spanish mission church constructed on the Indian Reservation, called San Xavier de Bac. Mass was just ending when I arrived. In the native Am. crafts stands, I couldn't help buying prickly pear juice (delicious) and a turquoise and silver rose ring to mark the trip.

At 3pm, I was back in Tuscon simply enjoying the down town area along 4th street. Under improvement, the street is filled with boutiques, health food stores, buskers, young people, thrift stores and cafes. I found some delicious made in Tuscon gluten free raisin carrot bread and some 100% raw hibiscus, ginger chocolate made in San Francisco. From this area, I walked across the historic El Presidio Park and wound up at a famous restaurant called El Charro, recommended to me by my boss. Happy hour margarita and an a la carte carne seca taco. It felt great to be sitting still and people watching, anonymous, and unattached.

I hit the road at 6 and ended up driving all the way back to the Gila Wildnerness and one of my favorite camping spots there, the Catwalk, because no where in AZ called. Arriving at the Catwalk recreation area at 10:30pm, I simply parked, grabbed pad and sleeping bag and rolled them out near the river and fell asleep listening to the water. To my gratitude, the trip seemed to be great for my back and neck ---something about being in nature so much, hiking and sleeping on the earth.

Day 4, Monday, April 30th
Woke up at 6am again and began a 3 hour hike up the canyon through the catwalk. Saw lots of spring activity and few other people. I meditated by the stream and sat writing postcards on a rock.

Then I drove north, amazed by the vast stretch of pine forest approaching Quemado. At Quemado Lake, I stopped for a few hours and absorbed the sun. I'll have to come back sometime and camp here. It was still another 3 hours from Quemado back to Santa Fe.

I'm so grateful for the trip and all the time in nature, for the space and the big mind and the soul nourishment. On the last leg, the sun was lighting El Malpais, the arch, the new green spring grass. I gave all my thoughts of the future and the past away. I saw a mother cow nursing twin calves. A second later, I saw a young couple on touring bikes with all their trip belonging packed on back. No other cars had passed in ages and the simple beauty of life in this moment struck me full force. Poignantly tangible. I was in it. Am it.

The River

Once again, I find myself behind, needing to copy material from my written journal to blog. Partly, my back and neck have been asking me to avoid the computer the last month, other than to do my required freelance work and check emails. Partly, I have been busy enjoying the out doors and culture and friends, and most partly, I have been enjoying space and quiet.

From 4/15 Saturday/sunday

This has been a wonderful week. That was my intention at the beginning of it. Today, I took a solo artist's date. I saw the pulitzer prize winning play "Our Town" at the Santa Fe Playhouse. This was my first visit to the playhouse, though I had been meaning to check it out for a while.

At the start of the play, I noticed I still had this slight feeling that I was holding a weight, holding more pressure than I should. The weight of anxiety, totally needless and useless especially given my expectation that I "should" be completely happy right now on my artists date. And I was pretty happy... just not totally happy, something was pricking me. I just felt like I "should" be more happy and content given all the blissful things that have happened lately (a trip with girlfriends to 10K waves followed by lobster truffle oil pizza, Cookies and tea over board games at a mansion, a fun cocktail party 2 nights ago, etc.) So why this weight? I paused and looked right at the weight and realized it was one I have confronted before (and probably will have to again). It is the pressure and anxiety I place on myself to be doing something noticeable/successful/big with my life right now. Me, me, me. Making it happen, rushing the course.

Wait. I told that part of me. I give this responsibility back over to its true source, mystery. It is out of my hands and not my ego's role at all to direct the river. I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I am on my path. In fact, I can't do anything ever to get off my path. I am on my path like my shadow is always behind me on a sunny day. I can always know that I am guided. The things I am meant to learn and experience are brought to me as much as I bring myself to them. I also believe that if something is passed by the first time in life, if its meant to a be a part of my path, the opportunity will come along a 2nd time or a 3rd time.

Lightness. Weight of my chest. Congestion out of my mind. Underlying fear that I am not living up to my potential recognized, acknowledged, appreciated and let go of. Deep breath. Now I can thoroughly enjoy the show.

And what a show! The theme of the play reiterated all that I'd been coming to terms with the moment before it started. The theme involved beauty in everyday existence, noticing the small meanings of life and being conscious of them while you are alive. Being content with what you have and where you are and being satisfied by the simple daily things: sunrises, full moons, midnight blooms.

Later, after the play, taking a walk to Kakawa Chocolate House to meet a friend, another weight dropped off as I realized, "You know, it doesn't matter where I am, where I go, whether I stay in Santa Fe or go off traveling again, the process will blossom and unfold just as it is meant to. I can trust in this unfoldment to be no sooner and no later than it will be. The river is going to run to the same place. I'll run in whatever river I'm meant to run in."

The pressure and anxiety and feeling of not enough, of dissatisfaction, will indeed return whenever I again get caught up in the mental trap that "I" am the one directing the river. What a ridiculous concept! and yet we do it all the time!  Of course, when that happens, I will feel that unrealistic, hopeless amount of pressure. All I need to do when this starts to happen, is look the fear directly in the eye, acknowledge it, and remember that I am guided and that the river exists already. It is not for me to create it. I can trust it to carry me. I can give myself to it and let it live itself through me instead of trying to live myself all on my own. I can become a channel in the river, of the river, for the river. I can remember that I am on my path when I am doing simple, mundane things or glittering stimulating things. The river is a process, dynamic, in motion, flowing. Both unpredictable and predictable. Predictable in that I will die, that I will transform. Unpredictable in the details. I can trust the river to move through me, shape me, excite me, swallow me, float me, nearly drown me, and, eventually, transform me.

A few hours later, I opened the book I am reading, called "Cutting through Spiritual Materialism" and read just what I needed to hear to sum up the lessons of the day:

"Let be and not care anymore; don't possess the letting be as belonging to you, as your creation. Open, let be, and disown. Then the spontaneity, the awakened state springs out" (169)

"Not expecting anything, we do not get impatient" (174) "Patience also feels like space...being aware of the space between the situation and oneself" (175)

"Letting go of the self rather than working so hard to improve ourselves..." (180)

What a wonderful thing to realize and remember whenever "I" try to take credit or create the river, that self-developemnt is really about letting go of the self! not further grooming and polishing the personality.

Poetry from the April Women's New Moon Gathering poetry workshop

Non-stop free write

Lines. That's what comes to mind. Airplane streamers above string of Christmas lights. Suspended over repetitions of bricks and the weft and weave of carpeting at my feet. Grated screen window lines framing captured paths of dried leaves and diagonal, meandering branches. Lines of thought connecting periwinkle blue paper to fading blue evening sky to stripes of fabric, blue, cascading down the front of my outfit. Leading and following gazes, imaginary lines tying this moment to that gathering a summer ago.

Words and associations

Solitude - Space to be me. Seagul over shoreline. Crashing waves. Footprints in sand.

Ectasy - Lifting heart to the moon

Gratitude - Filled to the brim, at the brink of boiling

Mercy - Eyes deep as jungle pools of love

Hunger - Knawing teeth through the bone of disatisfaction

Pain - Too hard to break a word open to

History - Webs in the corner rafters trapping the same old insects over and over

Peace - That lake of cat tails with the full moon that also fills my aura.

Muse

Liquid-pool-eyed deer standing knee deep in lake,
ripples spreading along to the cat tails,
to the Spruce island,

and, even to the moon,
who meets our gaze in reflected silver spool.
Deer gives me warm soft gaze.

Here - view the world through me.
She whispers in muted moonbeams
and deep shadow speak.

Under muse's warm, soft gaze,
The old world,
opens new.


Adage to poem

"Don't get your knickers in a twist"
Over the cliff, over the cliff,
over the blackberry bramble voice
of mother in a "don't get"
In a "don't get" voice
It is your black berry cloud.
Don't twist around when the
"Doesn't get" gets loud.
Listen to the twist,
The twist over the cliff,
The voice of the blackberry cloud.


List


The moment is bright.
The moment is quick.
The moment goes by.
The moment knows not.
Who is the moment?
The moment defies thought.
She steals the moment.
But only for a moment.
The moment stands still.
But only for a moment.
She remembers the moment.
But only for a moment.
The moment turns heads.
The moment lives large.
That moment is gone.
The moment is now.
This moment is God.

Being Jeanne

Wind teases wind chimes,
Tousled hair, and juniper trees,
Here am I, licking raspberry sorbet,
Off a reflective silver spoon,

A simple speck under azure noon.
Light plays the hammock strings,
White rope woven with shadow.
A butterfly passes by garden patch.

In this quiet swinging space,
What things are worth thinking?

Ten Days Apart

From 3/21/12
Is it my soul that needs to heal so my body can follow? Or is it my body that needs to catch up with a growth spurt of my soul? Or some of both? Growth is painful and also full of pleasure. Now its about bringing things back into balance.

Paying attention to the inside and the outside environment.

From 3/31/12
I've been in the "doing" mode lately. A lot of work - house sitting, design, horses, lovely stuff but not at this quantity or pace. And a lot of: "what do I "do" about my back? Who can I see next that will "do" something to fix my alignment?"

What I know deep down, is that what my back needs, what my soul needs, is for me to just chill out and be. To listen. I've been feeling this pressure, this tug from some society-ingrained notion that if we're not "doing" something or moving toward some goal constantly than we're worthless. With that comes a feeling of insecurity. Because so much value and security is placed, fake as it may well be, on doing and getting there. Wherever there may be. Its elusive. We can never be anywhere, but where we are.

What I've also been learning and really being tested in during this process of intermittent back and neck pain and healing, is that I keep seeking validation of my choices and advice from others. For instance, I want others to validate the self-healing work I've been doing. When someone makes a judgement, I am learning instead to say, "That is not true for me" or "You know, I hear you, but that doesn't resonate for me" and to be okay with that. Also, I am learning not to share as much or at all when I really want someone's validation or when I've prematurely placed expectation and given high status to them. When I forget and share too much in such a situation, I am often disapointed, sometimes to tears.

I am not in this endeavor alone. Source is with me. Also, this is not happening to me, it is happening for me. I truly believe that because I can feel it. If I don't learn these lessons of validating myself and trusting my own intuition now, the pattern is just going to repeat itself and the learning will be harsher. I don't need to learn the hard way; I never have. But trusting my own intuition, not always seeking advice from others, regardless of outside judgement seems to be the key hardest lesson for me to learn. When people trigger me, this is the button they push - not validating, but judging when I want affirmation and when I'm not giving it to myself. If there is no button, they can't push it. When I am simply being, what I am meant to do next will come. There will not be this striving, this pushing, this choppiness, this surviving. There will be living.

Today, I lived a great day. I hiked the Bear Wallow trail with two dear friends and fellow contemplatives. We meditated for 20 minutes near the stream. I heard the water rushing and imagined it carrying away my burdens. T said she felt the water coursing fluidly through her body. I felt this too. After hiking, we drove down the mountain listening to the ethereal, floating music of Florence and the Machine. We sat our hungry tummys down for delicious food at Tune-up cafe. Nutburger and salad for me. We shared our chocolate cake back at the ranch in the sun, laughing and talking about silly things.

Now I am at the still house I am house sitting at, able to be and write in my journal finally. Heading to bed soon.

4/1/12
Happy April Fools. No one has played a trick on me yet and I haven't cared to think of one to play on another. So far, it has been a good living day again. Mom gave me a matrix energetics session over the phone. I could sense my left shoulder relaxing and my right hip dropping down (my right leg has been feeling shorter than the left for a while). I gave the back/neck pain issue over to source/God/mystery/energy/vibration/whatever and felt the expansiveness where the weight had pressed. Gratitude and love filled the hole.

When riding a collected horse, the rider gives constant adjustments with the aids: legs, seat, hands, voice. The riding is not passive, nor is it a fight for surrender. It is a collaborative, balancing act. I can imagine myself as a collected horse, back lifted and supple, neck flexible and able to bend equally in either direction, lightness of movement, energy contained - but just barely - potential, thoroughly in the moment, listening and paying astute attention.